Radio Pink
by AlcatrazisGod
Summary: When the teleporter malfunctions, it sends several strange people into the canyon Blood Gulch. While Sarge and the others deal with these new people; Donut starts acting more and more erratically, and soon gains the desire to become a fabulous dictator and conquer the world.[Previously titled Blood Gulch. This story is under rewrite] [Multi-Crossover]
1. Halloween

_Note: I have recently decided to redo the entire story of Blood Gulch which has now been renamed Radio Pink since the later chapters won't even take place in the canyon. For those of you who have read the original story, you can expect a large amount of parodies, WW2 humor along with other political spoofs. Donut's European campaign will still be included as well. However, this will not be the same as Blood Gulch. For instance, Donut becomes a pink Hitler for a completely different reason this time. There will also be new characters from RWBY since a lot of people asked for them but I was not yet able to give them appearances. You can also expect Ruby to not be totally useless._

_Now for the background and setting. This story takes place after season five of the Blood Gulch Chronicles but right before everyone is transferred off to different locations. If anyone would like to see RWBY or even RvB characters to be added in to the story, I'll gladly throw them in. Also, if anyone would like to suggest different nations for Donut to invade in the later chapters then feel free to leave those in the review sections. Keep in mind that I plan to expand this beyond Voodoo Boys as well so Donut won't just be invading European countries. Now, without further hesitation, I present the new, Radio Pink. Please leave your thoughts and all of that stuff._

* * *

**Halloween**

Sarge stood on the outside of Red Base. Grif was standing to his right as the two looked out to a long line of jack-o'-lanterns. For the past week, Sarge has ordered over 200 pumpkins and demanded his squad to carve faces in them and place candles inside. At the end of the day, the only person who ended up actually working on them was Donut. As a result, the jack-o'-lanterns were more happy and flamboyant than they were scary.

"I think we're all ready now," Sarge murmured. "Let's see those bastard demons try and get us now!" Sarge was thoroughly convinced in the old legend of Halloween being the day in which spiritual and physical existence were combined. He also believed that he only way to stop 'those dirty demons' from overwhelming his team would be to create an army of pumpkins.

"Ugh, Sarge," Grif groaned. "Why is it that for the past few years I've been out here, we always put up a shit load of these pumpkins. Keep in mind that we could eat them instead of throwing them out in the hot sun. But anyway, you keep wasting nice pumpkins to ward of demons, even though we never see anything creepy on Halloween. Care to elaborate?"

"Not now, dingbat," Sarge snapped. "Just come on. I'll explain on the way."

"Wait," Grif requested while Sarge ran off towards the Warthog. "Where the hell are we even going?"

"Get your ass over here," Sarge growled. "We're going up to the caves. There's one more thing I need to grab that will help us fight off them demons!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Caboose was riding around Blue Base on his new big wheel. Nobody knows how he acquired the overgrown tricycle, but this would not exactly be the first time Caboose was to do something that few others would be able to comprehend.

Caboose turned a corner down one of the hallways and rode along passed Church's bedroom door. Unfortunately, at around this time, Church was stepping out of his room and into the hallway. Caboose was not paying attention and accidentally ran over Church's foot.

"Ow, what the fuck," Church squealed.

"Sorry Church," Caboose called out as he pedaled quickly down the hall and turned a sharp corner, completely leaving Church's sight.

"What the hell was that," Church asked in shock. He would have perused Caboose further to question him about why he was riding his big wheel through the base but he turned to the right to see Tucker walking down the hall with an ax in his hand. Tucker bent over as he walked and wore an oddly familiar brown jacket over his aqua colored armor.

"Caboose," Tucker called out in an ominous and slightly crazed tone of voice. "Come on out Caboose! If you give me my laptop back I won't chop your family into a million pieces."

"Tucker," Church inquired as Tucker passed him by in the hall. "What are you doing and why do you have that ax?" Tucker came to a sudden stop and slowly turned to face Church. Tucker seemed to be shaking slightly like some sort of psychotic killer.

Tucker then tilted his helmet in a rather creepy way. "All work and no porn makes Tucker a dull boy." Tucker randomly started giggling, the type of laugh one would hear right before they were to be murdered by a sadist. He then promptly walked off in the direction that Caboose had previously rode through on his big wheel.

Flabbergasted by the awkward encounter, Church simply shrugged the chilling experience off. "What the fuck?" Church then glanced over his shoulder to assure himself that nobody was around. "I think I'll go lay down for awhile, or at least until Tucker is finished murdering everyone."

* * *

Back at Red Base, Lopez and Donut were standing in front of the teleporter. The two had been working on it all day, or well, Lopez was working on it all day while Donut only came up to watch for the past 20 minutes. Lopez has yet to even tell Sarge that he was even modifying the teleporter. He began fiddling with it at around 4am and has only now finished his project.

"Bueno," Lopez finally announced in relief. "It's finished. Now I can invite my friends to the canyon and we can enslave all of you," he continued. Donut only watched Lopez silently, not having the slightest clue as to what the Mexican robot was saying. "This teleporter will be able to sneak them past the border and we will be free to control the entire world."

"Good job, Lopez," Donut complemented. "You got the teleporter up and running again! Sarge will be so proud of you." Donut would have continued his rambling but he thought of something that seemed to interest him quite greatly. He let out a gasp and resumed his rant. "Ew, maybe we should give it a paint job. I'm thinking... _lightish-red_!"

"Shut up," Lopez snapped. "Go watch those dumb ass reality TV shows you like and leave me alone. Soon you will know the wrath of our drug overlords."

"You're right, Lopez," Donut agreed, still not even halfway understanding what was actually said. "Lightish-red is the _master color_." Donut then stopped himself, not fulling comprehending why he even said that but shrugged the weird statement he made off and returned his attention to Lopez and the teleporter.

The two watched it for a few moments as the wall of green energy swirled around. Eventually, Donut spotted a figure moving around within the green void. "Hey," Donut announced and pointed to the teleporter. "Is somebody coming through it?"

"What," Lopez asked in confusion and stepped towards the teleporter. "Somebody's coming through already?" Lopez was not expecting anyone to arrive for another week or so and halfway did not believe Donut, but as soon as he gained a closer look, he noticed the figure as well.

After a few seconds, a man did indeed step through the teleporter. The man was tall and wore a tattered dark green jacket, black shirt, pants, and oddly enough, this man wore a very familiar hockey mask with several red markings on it. He also carried a machete in his right hand. Lopez immediately recognized this man and silently began backing away slowly, dropping his assault rifle in a fearful manner.

"Oh, look Lopez," Donut explained after he too realized who this person was. "It's Jason Voorhees! Isn't that cool?" Donut looked to the left to see how the robot was reacting but was shocked to find that Lopez had disappeared. Within a split second, Lopez ran off for the hills and was halfway across the canyon by now. "Uh," Donut hesitated. "Lopez? Where'd you go?"

Donut then looked back to the infamous serial killer from Crystal Lake, unfazed by intimidation but then again, it was Donut after all. "This is awesome," Donut squealed. "My name is Franklin Donut," he said with enthusiasm and grabbed Jason's hand before shaking it violently. The man behind the hockey mask remained silent as Donut continued. "I'm your number 1 fan! I've seen all of your movies! Even the shitty ones."

* * *

Sarge and Grif arrived in the caves about ten minutes ago. Sarge guided Grif to a section of the caves that Grif had actually never seen before. Sarge and Lopez kept it hidden behind several rocks so they could work on an experiment in privacy.

"Ugh," Grif complained. "Are we there yet? My feet are getting sore and my spine inches for some reason."

"Holy mother of Jesus," Sarge began and abruptly came to a stop. Grif accidentally bumped into him and stepped back to see what Sarge had to say. A few moments would pass and Sarge still did not continue his thought.

"What is it," Grif finally asked, realizing that Sarge was not going to speak any further. Sarge then snapped back to realty and whipped around to face Grif.

"Huh? I didn't say anything, dickweed," Sarge replied. Grif obviously became confused by this because not only did he hear Sarge's voice but he also saw his head bob up and down like it usually did when any of them spoke.

"Yes you did," Grif retorted. "You said something about Jesus and stopped dead in your tracks as if you were looking at something." Grif would be correct, this technically is what happened, but Sarge remained unconvinced.

"Have you finally lost your mind," Sarge asked. "I already told you I didn't say anything. Now, if you keep pushing me I'll shoot you in the ass seven times at point blank range with my shotgun, then I'll go sign your death warrant, and bang your sister all at the same time. So, shut the fuck up!"

"Geez, alright," Grif exclaimed. "Maybe I was just hearing things? Why are you so on edge today anyway."

"I already told you, dipshit," Sarge growled. "We've gotta fight off those nasty demons. And fighting demons can be very stressful so if you're finished going full retard can we get a move on?"

Grif glanced to his right in confusion. "I wasn't going full retard."

"Just come on," Sarge groaned and headed off deeper into the caves.

Grif rolled his eyes from underneath his helmet and followed his commanding officer through these winding tunnels. They eventually came to a stop at specific tunnel that was not lit up as the rest of them were. This place was actually beginning to give off an unsettling feeling for the orange soldier. This was especially the case since Sarge told him that he and Lopez were preforming a sketchy experiment in the area.

"You're not taking me to some haunted Indian burial ground are you," Grif asked, halfway expecting something so outlandish from Sarge. Then again, that would not be such a far-fetched thought since it was Sarge he was dealing with.

"Just hold on," Sarge replied. He then reached into one of the pockets on the right side of his suit of armor and searched around in it until he pulled out a key. Sarge moved closer to a nearby stone wall and moved his hand along it. This caused a large amount of dirt to fall off of the rocks and reveal a lock that was attached to the wall.

Grif could not see this from his distance but did see Sarge fiddling with something. "What are you doing?"

Sarge did not respond but instead placed the key into the lock and turned it. Another section of wall on the opposite side of the cave, just behind Grif abruptly slid open and a bright light flooded out into the dark cavern which startled the man in orange.

Grif jumped and the two turned around to see this mysterious doorway. Grif soon settled down and began to admire the rather interesting door. "Okay," he admitted. "I'll give you credit where it's due, that is pretty cool but what's inside?"

"God dammit, Grif," Sarge shouted. "Why don't you get your ass in there and find out!?"

"Jesus," Grif sighed and headed for the light. "I'm going, I'm going. You just need to chill out, you've been going crazy all day.

Sarge simply growled at him and followed his most hated comrade. The two stepped inside a brightly lit laboratory filled with beakers, test tubes, chrome tables, computer terminals, and what Grif found to be even more odd was a large bared cage off towards the back of the lab. The cage was huge but had no lights shining from within it which caused Grif to walk over to it in order to see if he could catch a glimpse of what was inside.

Sarge headed for a nearby computer and placed his beloved shotgun on the table. He would have began typing his secret code phrase. The secret code phrase was in fact, 'Code Phrase.' Sarge of course found no problem with this at all.

As he started typing he stopped himself and turned to check on what Grif was up to. "Hey," he snapped which caused Grif to stumble away from the cage right when he was about to stick his finger inside. "What do you think you're doing," Sarge asked angrily. "Stay away from that unless you wanna get eaten alive."

Grif turned back to the cage and slowly backed away while not taking his eyes off of the dark area. "What the hell is in there," he inquired fearfully.

Sarge shifted his attention to the terminal and typed in his 'super secret code phrase' into the machine. He then pressed a button off to the side and a large section of the cage right in front of Grif abruptly threw itself open.

"Uh, Sarge," Grif questioned nervously. "The cage opened all by itself? Do you wanna tell me what's going on?"

"Alright Grif, listen up," Sarge stated as he turned to the orange soldier and held his index finger in the air like a school teacher. "Lopez and I have been breeding an army of genetically altered Mexican fighting chickens! We originally had plans for them to be used as biological warfare against the blues but with the demons on their way, we had no choice but to alter their DNA and make em really mean."

As Sarge continued his odd explanation of what was actually happening right now. Grif's gaze drifted back to the dark cage where he heard a low growling from inside. This most certainly did not sound like a chicken.

"Now, what's going to happen," Sarge said loudly to regain Grif's attention. "In about 10 more seconds, the chickens are going to stir and they're going to run out of the cage. What I need you to do is run back to the warthog and lead them straight back to the base."

"Wait," Grif pleaded in confusion. "Why do I have to lead them if you and Lopez were the ones working with them? I don't even know how to feed a chicken! Shouldn't you guys worry about getting them out of here?"

Sarge let out a sign and bowed his head. "Son," he said in an unfortunate tone. "The reason I need you to preform this incredibly dangerous task is because Lopez and I trained our army of chickens to get really pissed off when they see the color orange. They're basically going to try and peck your balls off. Now, if I were you, I'd get to running before Ol'Sanchez wakes up."

Grif gulped quietly and turned to the cage where he noticed a huge shadow standing in the doorway with two red eyes starring at him. "Um... _Ol'Sanchez_?"

* * *

Church finally left his room for the day and stepped out onto the roof of his base with hopes of getting away from Tucker walking around like a maniac while Caboose rode around on his big wheel. It was surprisingly peaceful outside, or at least it was until Church spotted Simmons walking up to the base.

"The fuck do you want, red," Church called out in a tiresome tone. He obviously was not in the mood to deal with Red Team's antiques but it would appear by the way Simmons was acting that he would end up getting involved in some way.

"Hey," Simmons announced as he came to a stop a few yards from Blue Base. "Can I borrow your tank for like an hour or so?"

"What," Church shouted in astonishment. "Why the hell do you need my tank? No! You can't have it."

"I don't want it," Simmons argued. "I just need to borrow it. I'll bring it back by noon I promise."

Church dropped his pistol and placed his hand over the glass part of his helmet in frustration. "Why do you need my tank? If you're going to try and blow us up with it then hell no you can't use it."

"No, it's not that," Simmons disclaimed. "I know you probably won't believe this but Jason Voorhees is in my fucking base! I really... really need that goddamn tank like now!"

"Wait, slow down," Church replied. "You're saying that Jason Voorhees is running around at your base and you need the tank to stop him? How is he even here? From what I saw in the last movie, he got eaten by a colony of space ants or something."

Simmons glanced around, slightly confused by what Church had said. "Wait, I thought he went to Hell, right? Isn't that the last movie in the series?"

"Nah," Church shrugged casually. "Actually the last technical installment of the series was a shitty reboot of the franchise which had the same name as the first one. Then they had Freddy vs Jason before that. But I would argue that Jason X."

"No, I didn't," Simmons responded. This conversation was becoming confusing for the maroon soldier due to the fact that he has not heard of the movies Church was speaking of.

"Are you serious," Simmons inquired. "You mean there are other movies even after _Jason Goes to Hell_? But in the title they said it would be the _'Final Friday'_." Simmons would be correct, _Final Friday_ was actually the subtitle of the movie he was referring to."

"Yeah," Church agreed slowly. "That's also what they said back in 1984 when they released _Friday the 13__th_ _4_. The subtitle to that was '_The Final Chapter_,' and we saw how well that worked out when you fast forward one fucking year later and you have _Friday the 13__th__ Part 6: A New Beginning_."

Simmons looked to the ground in silence. He was definitely taken aback that several Jason movies have completely slipped under his radar. At least now he could see why Jason kills so many people when he has to deal with Hollywood incompetence day in and day out.

"So anyway," Church continued to get back on track with their initial discussion. "How exactly did Jason end up at your base? Was this apart of some crazy scheme Sarge had planned to destroy us. Because if anything I'll be sleeping with one eye open tonight. That is if Jason is really here and you're not just full of shit."

"No, he's here alright," Simmons reassured. "I don't know how he got here but from what Donut said, Lopez brought him here through the teleporter. By the way, have you seen Lopez around? Donut said he ran off in this direction after Jason appeared."

Church looked up and scanned the horizon but did not see anyone. "Nah man," Church finally replied. "The only people I've seen today are Tucker, Sister, Caboose, you, and I saw Sarge driving up to the caves earlier today. I think the orange guy was with him."

"Yeah, Grif went up there," Simmons confirmed. "They never said what they were going to do in the caves but Sarge has been going up there a lot recently."

"Oh okay," Church replied. He would have returned to the topic of Simmons borrowing Shelia but his voice trailed off when he noticed a large cloud of dust expanding from the road to the caves on the cliff side to the right.

"Hey, what's that," Church asked and pointed towards the caves. Simmons turned around and spotted the cloud of dust as well. He leaned forward to try and concentrate further on the dust cloud before realizing that it was moving straight for Red Base.

Church then jumped down from the base and ran off ahead. "Come on, let's go check it out." Without wasting anymore time, Simmons followed the _pretend_ leader of the Blue Team towards the odd disturbance in the distance.

* * *

Elsewhere, Donut stepped out of Red Base along side his new psychotic friend Jason. The two headed for an area just a few feet in front of the base and came to a stop. Donut let out a sigh and turned to Jason while scratching his helmet curiously.

"Um," the pink soldier began. The two had just finished walking around the entire area of the canyon that was owned by the Red Team. The two did not go up to the cliffs however even though it was under 'red occupation.'

"Well, that's our base. I think you'll find it super comfy here and don't worry, there aren't any stupid collage girls to ruin your vacation around these parts."

Jason gave a nod of approval. After all, it was important that he not be driven to kill anybody on this unexpected vacation to the armpit of the universe. Although, his slasher movie villain instincts almost kicked in when Donut started rambling about interior decoration. Then again, that would make even the most patient person wish a terrible death on the pink scoundrel.

"I'm trying to think of any place I haven't shown you yet," Donut informed. Jason then made a few small gestures with his hands. Afterwords, Jason abruptly threw his machete on the ground. This was a very incoherent action to anybody who did not understand Jason's language but Donut seemed to understand what he was saying.

"Oh, I don't think we have any chainsaws but as I showed you earlier, all the weapons we have are in the armory so feel free to use whatever you want." Why Donut was telling a mass murderer where all of the weapons were was definitely incomprehensible.

Jason suddenly pointed to the area behind Donut. The pink soldier turned around and noticed the warthog was headed straight for them. "Oh, that must be Sarge and Grif now. You'll like them Jason, they're super nice!"

The two watched silently as the warthog span out of control and ran straight into the front wall of Red Base. "Whoa," Donut stated in emotionless surprise. "That was cool, man. I wonder if they survived."

Just as Donut pondered this, a charred orange soldiers stumbled out of the warthog and fell to the dirt in disorientation. "_Grif_," Donut exclaimed cheerfully. "I was looking for you? Have you met our new team member? His name is Jason."

"_Ack_," Grif groaned sickly and stood up. He then began wobbling around for a few moments. Grif tried to regain his balance but fell back into a sitting position as he noticed something was chasing him in the distance.

"Oh fuck," Grif squealed like a frightened school girl and abruptly hid himself behind the man in the hockey mask. Donut turned to see what Grif was screaming about and spotted what appeared to be a small army of overgrown roosters charging after him. One increasingly odd detail about this horde of killer birds was the rooster that was leading the charge. It stood about 8 feet tall. Donut tilted his head and waited for the bird to come closer before he realized that Sarge was actually riding on the feathered monster's back as if it were a horse.

Grif poked his head out from behind Jason before he suddenly realized that the person he was currently hiding behind was definitely a stranger to him. Grif slowly looked up to see the man in the hockey mask looking down on him while his iconic machete remained held tightly in his right hand. Grif immediately acknowledged who this person was. He then promptly yelped and ran off, disappearing inside the base to go and cry in his bedroom for an hour or so.

Sarge eventually came to a stop a few yards away from Donut and Jason, his chicken cavalry did the same. "Uh, Donut," Sarge questioned curiously. "Is that Jason Voorhees?"

"You bet," Donut confirmed proudly while Jason lightly waved at Sarge. "Jason, this is Sarge," Donut introduced. "He's the best leader anyone can ask for!"

Sarge did not return the wave but nodded instead and jumped off of the giant rooster which was presumably suppose to be Ol'Sanchez. "So Jason," Sarge asked in a comically shy manner. "Do you think I could get you to kill a bunch of blue guys with us? We could really use your help in the name of justice, freedom, and the American way!"

Jason only shrugged in silence and looked off to the hills which would lead to Blue Base. He spotted both a maroon soldier and a cobalt blue soldier running up to the base.

"Holy shit, Simmons," Church laughed as the two came to a stop in front of Sarge, Donut, and the crazed serial killer. "You were right, that is Jason Voorhees! Should we run or should we stay and celebrate?"

"What fuck is going on," a loud Spanish speaking voice called out from behind. Lopez then walked up from out of nowhere and scolded Sarge. "Why the shit are my cocks running around out here? They need to be injected with more radioactive steroids so we can win the Rio Grande Tournament next month."

"Well," Donut interrupted in a flamboyant tone. "It looks like we've got some _drama_!"

"Shut up, Donut," Simmons demanded.


	2. Ruby Rose

**Ruby Rose**

Due to the invasion of genetically mutated Mexican fighting cocks; Grif was forced to retreat back to his room and hide under his bed. His trusty assault rifle was sitting next to him. He had been hiding under there for some time now. Grif has yet to see any roosters pace the halls in search of him. Grif also had an odd motion tracker which would beep if it were to pick up any motion in the area but the tracker remained dead quiet.

"I think I know what happened," Grif told himself. "I bet Sarge and the others got brutally killed by Jason. Wait a minute... _Holy shit_, was that really Jason Voorhees!?" Grif only got a vague look at the man but his subconscious was able to identify who it was and force Grif to run and hide like a scared school girl in a cheesy slasher movie.

"If it was then I wonder if Jason is fighting that big ass chicken," Grif pondered. "What did Sarge call it again?" Grif then remembered what he was trying to think of. "Oh that's right! Ol'Sanchez. I bet that's one bad ass fight. It at least has to be better than Freddy vs Jason, right?"

Grif began looking around nervously, debating on leaving the safety of his bed to go and see what could potentially be an impressive fight. After a few minutes Grif finally made up his mind and slid out from underneath the bed. "Screw it," he told himself. "I'm not missing a fight with a giant ass rooster and the one and only Jason Voorhees."

Just as he stood up to leave the room, he turned back just to double check his surroundings and instantly noticed a rather large rooster standing on his bed, perked up like a soldier at attention. This rooster was nowhere near the size of Ol'Sanchez but the results would soon be the same as the chicken abruptly lunged for poor, helpless Grif.

* * *

On the outside of Red Base, Sarge was able to organize everyone up into one single line. Even Church was standing in the middle of the Red Team only because he wanted a chance to meet Jason. Sarge goose stepped up and down the row of subordinates, giant chickens, and famous slasher villains until he came to a stop in front of Donut.

As usual, Donut was busy daydreaming about whatever it was that captured his interest. Most likely something a little too awkward for discussion. He stood there giggling to himself in a stupid manner.

"Donut, what the hell are you laughing at," Sarge asked in a cynical tone. "Don't you understand that we're all in the midst of crisis that will determine the very fate of the universe!? Not to mention the survival of mankind."

"Wow Sarge," Church interjected, surprised at what Sarge was saying. "You finally care about everyone regardless of armor color?"

"Fuck you blueberry, I hope you die," Sarge retorted before instantly turning back to Donut. "Anyway, Donut what is going through your mind? We've gotta fight off the demons of the old world and your sitting there laughing. What in the name of good old honey covered Jesus is so funny!?"

"Honey covered _Jesus_," Simmons questioned quietly but Sarge ignored him. After all, the demons are on their way, Sarge had no time to elaborate.

Donut stopped his laughing to properly address his angry superior. "I was just thinking about decorating the base in some kick ass orange and black reefs given the season! We should also start planning on what we're going to do for Thanksgiving. You know, the celebration of eating until you give yourself a heart attack is right around the corner."

Sarge hesitated for a moment. He stood their quietly, his mind quickly finished processing Donut's rather flamboyant madness and accumulated a response. "Just stop laughing and help us work out a plan to save the world from impending destruction, ya looney."

Donut abruptly became offended by Sarge's demand. "Um," Donut nagged. "You can't talk to me like that."

Everyone immediately turned to see if Donut had actually said that. They could hear Sarge growling underneath his breath and even Jason began backing away slowly.

"Donut, you're going to die," Simmons whispered.

"This is awesome," Lopez exclaimed. "Hold on, don't kill him yet. I need to get my camera." With that said, Lopez quickly ran off into the base to search for the desired item, leaving everyone else alone with an angry Sarge.

At this point, even Grif came out from hiding to see what all the commotion was about. However, he already knew what Donut said and was just as worried as everyone else.

"What the hell did you just say," Sarge asked quietly.

"I said," Donut repeated. "You just can't yell at me! I'm all grown up now, I can do what I want! You don't even understand me old man! I've got all my feelings bottled up inside and you wont ever let me talk about them."

"I let you scream and cry yourself to sleep every Thursday night," Sarge argued but Donut was not satisfied.

"Well I've had enough," Donut exclaimed. "If you don't let me speak my mind then I'll... Um... I'll do bad stuff."

"Like what?"

"I'll break things!"

Sarge glanced to his right in confusion before turning back to Donut. "Uh, you're not allowed to do that."

"Oh," Donut replied. "Well, then I'll just quit the Red Team forever!"

"Donut," Grif intervened. "What else are you planning on doing if you're not going to stay with us? I'm pretty sure you don't know any basic survival techniques and there's nowhere else for you to go other than here. Unless you wanna rot in the hot sun."

"No, my mind has been made," Donut stated firmly, not taking his eyes off of Sarge. "I'm gonna start my own team! We're gonna be the Lightish Red Team and we're gonna do all sorts of cool stuff like listen to really loud music all night, and _you're_ not invited!"

Sarge shrugged his shoulders carelessly. "Alright, good luck with that. You just come on back tonight when you get hungry. I'm gonna make us some mighty fine barbecue tonight after we've finished the fortifications to our base."

"Okay," Donut responded in a more cheerful way and promptly walked off.

Sarge then returned his attention to the other people in the line up. "Alright," he explained. "Now, if we're going to beat the demons we need to use every last weapon we can muster. And we're gonna start... _with witchcraft_."

* * *

Meanwhile, Lopez walked up to the roof with hopes of finding his camera somewhere around here. He had already checked his bedroom but found nothing. He assumed he must have accidentally left his camera here since he was working on the teleporter for most of the day and even took a few pictures of his handy work right before Jason showed up.

"Oh boy," Lopez sighed. He could already tell somebody else was coming through the teleporter. He never actually set the coordinates to anywhere specific which means the teleporter was appearing at random all across space and time which undoubtedly was the reason Jason was zapped to the canyon. Even though the odds of someone so specific like Jason being nabbed by the teleporter are almost non existent.

"If Freddy Krueger shows up I'm just gonna shoot him," Lopez told himself. "I don't want that crazy bastard around when I go to sleep tonight, and I damn sure don't need him around when I take my daily bubble bath."

Lopez could at least tolerate having Jason running around the canyon since he was not exactly what one could consider a stereotypical collage kid vacationing on Crystal Lake. That and Jason has not yet tried to kill everybody, again at least not _yet_. It would even appear to Lopez that Jason could be fun to party with when he is not busy going on a murderous rampage. However, Freddy Krueger on the other hand was a completely different story.

The Spanish robot quickly aimed his pistol at the teleporter and waited to gun down Freddy Krueger if need be. Regardless of the fact that the shadow moving around in the green energy did not look like the outline of Freddy at all.

Eventually the perpetrator within the teleporter emerged and stumbled out onto the roof, obviously disorientated from the sudden location change. Lopez was revealed to see the intruder was not a crazed lunatic in a black hat and striped shirt but instead a young girl wearing a red and black outfit. This woman had black and red hair, gray eyes and oddly resembled Little Red Riding Hood to a striking degree.

"_Hmm_," Lopez pondered in curiosity.

* * *

Back on the ground just in front of Red Base, Sarge had concocted an awkward idea to preform a not very choreographed form of yoga to exorcise the demons. These demons have of course not yet shown themselves and just about everyone in the line up was already convinced there were no demons coming to destroy the canyon.

"Out with the bad demons," Sarge breathed as he stretched his right leg, almost resembling a very stereotypical karate stance. "In with the good demons," he continued. "Out with the bad demons, in with the good demons."

Grif suddenly realized a large hole in Sarge's logic with this exorcise and stopped his stretching. "Uh Sarge," the orange soldier began which caused Sarge to growl in a murderous manner. "By good demons do you mean angels?"

"Hell no," Sarge snapped. "The angels are cahoots with the bad demons. That's why we gotta work with the good demons to put an end to their insidious conspiracy that will surely wipe out all of mankind unless heroes arise to face them off!"

Sarge then took a deep breath swiftly after finishing his rant. It definitely took a lot out of him to yell all of that without breaking. Grif was obviously confused by what Sarge was talking about and everyone else stopped their exorcises and gave Sarge their undivided attention.

"Wait," Grif pleaded. "You mean to say that angels are working with demons but there are other demons that aren't working with them and we should work with them instead of the angels?"

"That's right, scumbag."

Grif glanced to Simmons in confusion. The maroon soldier only shrugged in response and Grif turned back to face Sarge's madness head on. "Okay, but if you want us to fight with the good demons then wouldn't they be the ones working with the angels." Sarge surprisingly had nothing to say that would help him address Grif's argument which was making the entire situation much more confusing. Instead the red leader remained quiet and allowed Grif to continue freely which was something that rarely ever happened.

"What are you getting at," Church questioned, reminding the others that he was still standing in the line with everyone else.

"I'm saying that if Sarge wants to fight demons," Grif elaborated to try and make his argument more clear regardless of the fact that it really was not very clear to begin with. "Then why is he going to fight the angels too? Because if you think about it, angels are the good guys so why would they be alining themselves with the bad demons. Maybe the demons you think are good are actually bad and are only trying to trick you into fighting the _real_ good demons! Perhaps the good demons are secretly bad and are just lying to you. That would mean that the angels and bad demons are technically on our side while the demons you want to fight with are actually trying to destroy mankind."

Crickets began chirping loudly which only increased the awkward atmosphere that has only just now taken hold of the situation. Nobody said a word as they were all too busy trying to figure out what Grif was even saying. Jason was probably the most confused as he scratched his head with his machete but still could not figure out any reasoning or logic behind the argument between Grif and Sarge. He knew they were talking about demons but that was about where Jason's knowledge of the topic ended.

"Um," Simmons began. "Grif are you okay," he asked as he noticed Grif was breathing heavily as if he had just got back from running a marathon. Or given the fact that Grif was not in the best of shape it would be more like comparing this to a 5 meter dash with a 2 hour lunch break in the middle. Either way, Grif looked exhausted after digging himself into such a huge rabbit hole which in hindsight was not even necessary given the fact that this was Sarge he was arguing with after all.

"Yeah I'm fine," Grif retorted. "I'm just saying that if..."

Before Grif could continue, he was interrupted by Lopez's voice yelling out something in Spanish that nobody could understand. "Hey," he called out. "Some chick is here! She came through the portal and is sitting up here on the roof. Can someone help me kill her and maybe we can dispose of the body later?"

"Hot potato," Sarge exclaimed and abruptly leaped into the air with enthusiasm. "Did you all hear that," he asked as if he could understand Lopez.

"What did he say," asked Church.

"He said he's captured one of the demons for us," Sarge lied. "Simmons! Lock and load. We've got shit to do and I need a means of interrogation if ya know what I mean."

Simmons gave a confirming nod. "On it, sir! Do you want me to get some torture equipment, the demon won't tell us anything unless we give him reasons to. I bet I could make him talk for you. All I need is a blowtorch and some pliers."

Everyone was quite retrofired upon hearing that Simmons had no qualms with torturing someone in the name of Sarge. This was probably the highest form of sucking up that had been attempted by Simmons ever, of all time.

* * *

At the Blue Base, Sister was busy roaming around inside in search of anybody since she had not seen a soul in a few hours and the base itself was not very large at all. She walked into a storage room of the base but nothing other than concrete lied inside. There was however an odd oil painting off in the background depicting a solid red skeleton with a butcher's knife but Sister payed no attention to this ominous detail and instead walked on.

She left the storage area and decided to make her way to the roof of the base where everyone usually hung out at. Sister walked onto the roof shortly after navigating through the small circular corridors which led her to this location.

"Hey, whats up," she called out after noticing Tucker standing towards the edge of the roof, looking out towards the canyon as he usually did when there was nothing else to do. "Where is everybody," Sister continued while Tucker did not so much as turn to her. This was odd because for some reason, whenever Sister was around, Tucker would be all over her. This was often in a more provocative way but it's not like Sister cares.

Tucker abruptly lifted his head up in the air and began sniffing around like a bloodhound on a trail. Sister tilted her head curiously at him.

"What's wrong with you?"

Tucker slowly lowered his head until his eyes met the top of the hill that lied in between Red Base and Blue Base. "I smell women," Tucker informed in a most perverse tone and suddenly jumped off of the base. "Time to go conquer some ass," Tucker shouted and bolted off at an almost cartoon-like speed towards the Red Base.

* * *

Sarge, Simmons, Grif, Church, and Jason quickly made their way to the roof to interrogate this demon that Lopez had apparently captured. While Lopez never directly said this, Sarge pretended as if Lopez did confirm that this strange girl was a demon. This of course was all just meaningless propaganda but it would at least make for an interesting show to pass the time in this incredibly boring canyon.

Simmons had his rocket launcher aimed for the girl while she simply sat there on the ground, not exactly worried that weapons were being aimed at her. Everyone else except for Church aimed an assault rifle at her. Jason on the other hand just held his machete and stood in the background looking intimidating just as one would expect.

"So you're telling us," Simmons began slowly. They had already interrogated this newcomer and have learned a great deal about this person and where she came from. Although, a lot of the information she gave was not exactly believable but neither was an enormous rooster named Ol'Sanchez but that had no problem becoming a reality.

"That you're name is Ruby," Simmons stated and the girl nodded.

"That's a cool name," Church complemented.

"Oh, thanks," Ruby replied cheerfully. "I've actually heard that a lot."

"Anyway," Simmons interrupted to regain control of the conversation. "You said you come from a place called Remnant where a bunch of crazy monsters live and you kill monsters for a living? Is that right?"

Ruby nodded with a bright smile while everyone else glanced at each other curiously. While this seemed like a normal thing for the person near the teleporter calling herself Ruby, stories like this were never to often around these parts.

"That's kind of cruel," Church announced. Ruby seemed rather stunned to hear such a response.

"What do you mean," Ruby questioned. "My friends and I have gone through rigorous training to kill those monsters."

Grif let out a sorrowful sigh and shook his head, disappointed in someone he only knew for about 5 or so minutes. "You dedicate your life to being a bigot? Just because they're monsters you just decide to kill them all and eat their children?"

"I never said I eat their children! I only said we have to kill them."

"So what you're saying is," Sarge replied. "That you don't like the monsters because they look different from you and you just decide to start killing as many as possible? Okay, I think that paints a pretty good picture of what kind of person you are. Is there anyone else you wanna kill? Maybe Grif because he's orange?" Sarge then realized what he was saying and his little argument quickly shifted into a suggestion. "Ew, you should do that."

"Hey," Grif snapped before turning back to Ruby.

"How old are you anyway," Grif asked. Looking at Ruby's size and otherwise youthful features, to anyone with even minor observational skills she definitely looked no older than 17 years of age.

"I'm 15," Ruby informed as she stood up. "And I think you guys are missing the point here."

"I don't know," Grif responded in an unconvinced tone. "I think she's a little too young to be preaching genocide. What do you think Jason?" If anyone would know about the age limit for supporting mass murder, Jason would be the person to ask. He simply shook his head in response, Jason did not approve.

Grif shrugged his shoulders, agreeing with Jason's answer. "There you have it," he continued. "Jason Voorhees doesn't like it. You just can't argue with that."

"I don't even know who this guy is," Ruby exclaimed hopelessly.

"Damn," Church interjected. "You really are from an alternate dimension if you don't even know who Jason is. Isn't that right Jason?"

The man in the mask nodded and crossed his arms firmly. He and Ruby had already gotten off on the wrong foot. While Ruby was indeed trained to take down monsters, she was not trained to take down the one and only Jason Voorhees.

"Alright, alright, alright," Ruby sighed to try and relax the tension between her and these total strangers. "Maybe we should start by introducing ourselves. I already told you my name and now I know that man's name is Jason. Who are the rest of you?"

"I'm Sarge," the soldier in red greeted before pointing to Simmons. "And this is our always reliable man, Dick Simmons."

"How do you do," Simmons questioned with a nod while Sarge moved his finger and aimed it directly for the Spanish robot.

"This is our faithful compadre, Señor Lopez."

"Hola," Lopez greeted. "I already hate you so don't think you're anything special." Ruby had not the slightest idea what Lopez was saying. He was speaking a language she had never so much as fathomed before.

"And this pile of filth," Sarge growled and pointed to Grif. "Is shit-stain. The most useless asshole this side of the canyon."

Grif rolled his eyes from underneath his helmet before properly addressing Ruby. "My name's Grif," he sighed. "Sarge just hates me, that's all."

"This is Church," Sarge interrupted, pointing towards the only man in blue armor. "He's the enemy. I see you're wearing red which means you're an official member of the Red Team! I've always wanted to see Little Red Riding Hood kick some blue ass so it's all on you now."

"Hey," a voice called out from behind, preventing the current conversation from progressing any further. The Reds, Jason, and Church all turned to see who was yelling at them while Ruby remained in the background. Just as the voice would indicate, the person screaming and running towards Red Base was Tucker. The infamous Tucker.

The aqua colored soldier ran up one of the ramps that would lead him to the roof. He ran up to Simmons's right side and came to a stop. While breathing heavily, he managed to muster up something he wished to say.

"Guys," Tucker stated in between breaths. "I know you've got a woman here. Hand her over and I won't start shit."

"Um, Tucker," Church said nervously right as Tucker finally spotted Ruby standing just in front of the teleporter. "I should probably tell you that Ruby here, is only..."

"Ruby huh," Tucker asked as he slowly approached the woman in red. "That's a fine ass name for a fine ass young lady."

"Tucker, hold on," Church pleaded but Tucker simply ignored him.

"Damn girl," Tucker continued. "I think I need to be somewhere right now. And by somewhere," he snickered. "I mean I wanna be inside your body."

"_Tucker_," everyone yelled. Jason silently buried his hand into his palm, not exactly unamused with Tucker's little introduction. Of course, when Jason was unamused somebody had to die. Jason decided right then and there that he would give Tucker at least a few moments to explain himself before the man in the mask was to chase him down and brutally murder him. Just like old times.

"Dude, she's 15 years old," Church finally blurted. Ruby then backed away quietly. Tucker stared at Church for only a brief moment before bending over and audibly vomiting inside his helmet. It was at least refreshing to see Tucker was disturbed by this detail. He does seem to have some boundaries after all. Jason was still planning on killing him though.

Tucker continued his vomiting for a good 5 or so minutes before he was finally able to say something other than '_barf._' "Holy shit, I think I see my kidney," he complained. Of course, nobody believed him but the idea of Tucker puking out his organs could be feasible given how violently he was vomiting.

"I feel so dirty," Tucker cried. "I need to go take a shower!" With that, Tucker ran away as fast as he could like a humiliated teenager. In reality, this was all what tucker truly is.

The group followed Tucker with their eyes as he ran across the canyon, just as quickly as he had come. "Why is it," Church asked aloud. He was not speaking to anyone in particular but merely speaking rhetorically to get his point across. "That Tucker just verbally raped Ruby, but now _he_ has to go and take a shower?"

"Gotta do what ya gotta do," Grif replied.


	3. Spine

**Spine**

It would not be too long before the Reds, Blues, Jason, and Ruby found themselves all jammed inside the underground interrogation room of the Red Base which Sarge had installed around a month ago. The room itself was stereotypical to say the least. There was only one dim light to illuminate the entire room which hung on the ceiling just above a metal table. Ruby sat in a rather uncomfortable seat on one side of the table while everyone else crowded around her from the opposite side.

Sarge placed his hands on the table in a dramatic fashion. "Look here _Missy_," he demanded. "The rape portion of this interrogation is over. Tucker is gone now but don't make me call him back to say some more fucked up things to you! Now, tell us where it is and we'll let you go."

Ruby scratched her head in confusion. "Um... When was I raped again?"

"Don't play stupid with me," Sarge exclaimed. "Tell us where it is or I'll have you shot down right were you stand."

"Correction sir," Simmons interrupted from behind. "She's actually sitting... not standing."

Sarge turned and looked over his shoulder towards the maroon soldier. He was not exactly happy with that little correction, and he demonstrated this with a demonic growl from underneath his crimson helmet. "Simmons," he requested calmly. "Go jump off a cliff."

"On it sir," Simmons stated with a firm salute. He then began the long process of trying to navigate his way through the crowed of people to get to the only exit this claustrophobia inducing room had.

"I'm confused," Ruby continued after Simmons finally left the room. "When you say '_it_,' what do you mean by that?"

"I'm talking about the nukes," Sarge yelled. This of course astonished everyone, since there was no point in this interrogation in which Sarge openly announced he was on the hunt for a nuclear bomb. Then again, there was not exactly a reason for him to be searching for such a thing in the first place.

"I know you've been working in cahoots with mother Russia all this time," Sarge informed. This only confused everyone more than it was good for, but none of the less, Sarge continued with his mindless rambling.

"You came here to steal our nukes! You must have gotten them when we had our backs turned and hid them from us! I should have known, all you Russians are the same. Always after my damn nukes."

Grif was especially puzzled by this, but he was becoming more intrigued by Sarge's insane argument. "We have nukes," he asked aloud but was completely ignored.

"Sarge, what the hell are you going on about," asked Church. "We haven't left this girl alone since she came through the teleporter. And she doesn't even look like a Russian." Church stopped himself and paused for a moment. He soon came to the same realization as Grif just did a minute ago.

"Wait a minute," he stated in shock. "You guys have fucking nukes!?"

"Not anymore," Sarge hissed. "And she is a Russian! Just look at her. She reeks of Slavic blood."

"What's a Russian," Ruby questioned cheerfully. She seemed to be under the assumption that this was a game, but Sarge was definitely serious about his unreasonable accusations.

"You know what a Russian is," Sarge exclaimed. "You are wearing red after all you communist bitch!"

"Hey," Church interjected once more. "You guys are wearing red too! Red doesn't immediately make you a communist. Maybe she's just a whore from an alternate dimension."

Ruby immediately perked her head up and gave Church an offended look. "I'm not a whore! What makes you think that!?"

Sarge glanced to Church who in turn nodded at him. Sarge then turned back to Ruby and shrugged his shoulders. "On second thought," he announced. "That probably isn't a super farfetched theory. This wouldn't be the first time a multidimensional prostitute has tried to steal my precious nukes."

"We have nukes," Grif repeated but once again, he was ignored.

Ruby's eye twitched randomly and she looked around the room to see if she could see anything at all that made a remote bit of sense. So far all she could see was a rather colorful group of armored soldiers and a man with a machete and hockey mask in the background. Again, none of this made any sense to her.

"I don't even look like a whore," Ruby argued but Sarge would hear none of it.

"Uh," Church admitted nervously. "That outfit of yours is not exactly the most appropriate thing I've seen a woman wear."

"Yeah," Grif agreed. "You look like you got that out of the whore's section of Hot Topic."

"Oh yeah," Church agreed as he remembered what part of the famously emo store Grif was referring to. "That's the part of the store with all the really slutty clothes. It's usually right next to the Marilyn Manson alter that those stores have."

"You mean the CD section," asked Grif.

"Oh, right," Church reminded himself. "Whatever they call it."

Ruby was beginning to grow frustrated with the group but she was not a very angry person to begin with, which only led to her having a hard time demonstrating that frustration. "I'm not a whore," Ruby corrected. "I only wear this outfit because it matches my Crescent Rose."

"Well what do you think about all this, Jason," Sarge asked. It seemed to be protocol now to hear Jason's opinion over everything. The psychopathic killer did not have much to say as expected. He simply shrugged his shoulders and looked away.

"I agree," Sarge replied as if Jason actually said something. This seemed to be what everyone called the '_Lopez Effect_' without the Spanish robot actually being involved. Sarge would just take something that someone either does or says that makes no clear sense, but tries to understand it anyway. Regardless, Jason did not seem to car about Sarge automatically assuming that Jason was agreeing with him.

"I think she's been on our side this whole time," Sarge hissed and span around to face Church. "This has all be a plot to turn us against ourselves. Ruby's been working for us all along! She's not a communist whore, she's a member of the Red Team. The Blues have been using some horrible mind tricks on me to get us to kill her. Then they could have the nukes all for themselves, the lousy bastards!"

Ruby became even more confused by this theory Sarge had now concocted but she liked it much more than the previous one. At least now she would not be targeted as an enemy by this crazy group of people.

Church stood there blankly, not knowing how to react to this situation. "How the fuck did all of this suddenly turn against me," he asked himself. "Here I am just minding my own business, wondering about the nuclear bombs the Red Team apparently has and now I'm about to be raped and killed by Jason." Church was already under the assumption that Jason was working for the Reds since he has been spending the majority of his time here rather than with the Blues.

With all of these crazy things swirling around in Church's mind, he suddenly turned towards the door and bolted out of the interrogation room. He simply did not like the idea of being killed brutally by Jason. That was a deal breaker. He pushed his way through the crowd and was gone in a flash.

Everyone watched the door for a few moments. Their eyes shifted between that and Sarge, waiting to see his reaction. It took a while for Sarge to fully process that Church had bailed for fear of being mutilated by the angry people in red... and Jason Voorhees. A fly eventually came along and buzzed around Sarge's face for a brief second. It then landed on the amber glass of his helmet and crawled around before flying away, never to be seen again.

"Hey," Sarge finally announced and slowly pointed towards the door. "That dirty blue is trying to escape... _Get him!_"

* * *

Meanwhile, Church made his way outside and ran straight forward towards the hills. His hopes were to make it back to Blue Base by the time the Reds realized that he left. He figured he would have a few minutes to do this since Sarge was somewhat 'slow.' Church then had the goal of retreating to his bedroom where he would proceed to barricade the door and hide under his bed.

Unfortunately for him, it did not turn out this way. As he made it to the top of the grassy hill, he could hear Sarge's voice calling out from behind. Church swore under his breath and sped up, desperately trying to find a place to hide for a few hours before the Reds forgot what they were even chasing him for. This was usually how it worked, they had such a short attention span, it would not be too terribly long before they lost interest.

* * *

As Church was attempting to make his way back to Blue Base, Sarge and the others exited the Red Base and scattered around the perimeter like cockroaches that have just been exposed to a bright light.

Sarge came to a stop ahead of everyone else. He scanned the horizon and quickly spotted Church fleeing the scene from afar.

"That filthy bastard," Sarge growled. He then brought the two fingers of his right hand up to his face and placed them over the visor of his helmet. Sarge let out a loud whistle that carried over the canyon, partially in thanks to the light breeze outside. It was unclear how Sarge managed to pull off such a loud whistle when his fingers were only touching his visor. It did not seem possible that they were able to amplify his whistling but regardless, they did so.

Not a moment later did a now infamous, blood thirsty, eight feet tall chicken run out of nowhere and came to a stop directly in front of Sarge. The red leader then proceeded to hop onto the back of the overgrown, radioactive bird as if it were a horse.

"All of you," Sarge stated as he looked towards everyone else who was still on the ground. "Stay here and make sure nobody else comes through that teleporter! I'm gonna put an end to all this madness once and for all."

With that last bit said, Sarge kicked the rooster lightly as if he had spurs on the heels of his metal boots. The bird then rose up in the air, similar to an angry horse before letting out a loud squawk and ran off after Church.

"Um," Grif began after everyone watched Sarge and Ol'Sanchez disappear over the hill in a cloud of dust. "So, who wants to go check out some of the old Jason movies?" Grif then turned to the very man in question to see if he would be interested in such. "How about you Voorhees? You're first movie wasn't total shit. It was pretty awesome. Why don't we just go back inside and remember the good old days. You know, before the advent of cheap Hollywood cash-ins?"

Everyone else seemed to favor that idea over following Sarge's rather simple order of guarding the teleporter. After all, Lopez ran back up to the roof to play with it some more. He had everything under control. This is why people such as Jason and Ruby are around.

* * *

While all of this craziness continued to unravel itself like the distorted ball of metaphorical yarn that it is, Donut had locked himself inside his room. He trapped himself inside that very flamboyant and brightly colored bedroom for some time now. He could hear the voices of people going about there day from inside the thin walls of his room. Even though he was tempted to go out and meet Ruby which he had heard speaking not too long ago, he was determined to leave Red Team for good and start his own team. A team with a much more suitable color than red. Indeed, Donut wanted pink or 'lightish-red,' to be the color of his new team.

He also had the desire to bring his little group of friends into the team. Yes, Donut did have other friends outside of the canyon but they were a weird group of people. His list of friends included male strippers, freak shows of a local traveling circus, alien midgets, and all sorts of horrifying things of that nature.

All of these people and more he would like to invite to his little team of horrors. However, before he did that he would have to gain the most important thing any potential leader needs... _notoriety_.

Donut needed to be well known throughout the area if he was ever even to have a hope of starting this new team. He paced up and down in his room, thinking of ways he could gain popularity among a large mass of strong, handsome men to do his evil bidding.

"I could open up a theme park," Donut suggested to himself. He gave the idea a good chance to sink in, but in the end he only shook his head in disappointment. "No, that's no good. That would require me to do a lot of stripping, and I don't like stripping. I like watching it, but I don't like doing it." In actuality, it was unclear what type of theme park Donut was thinking of. It clearly was not the type one could bring the whole family to see.

"Ew, maybe I could start by opening up an underground nightclub only for the hippest and sexiest people in the galaxy," he thought. "Nope," he quickly said aloud as he remembered one crucial fact about setting up a high class nightclub. "If I advertise that only hip and sexy people are aloud then the only people who would show up are hipsters, women, and perverted old men. I really want the hipsters to be there, and I really don't mind the perverted old men, but I won't tolerate any women tainting my future regime," he exclaimed firmly and slammed his fist into his palm.

"My team will only be for men who want to escape female oppression! I want the Lightish-Red Team to be against their _hideous_ movement. I will build a place were all sorts of handsome young men to come and look for a safe haven amongst their fellow... _men_." Donut lifted his hands just in front of his face, he held them out in an almost evil manner.

"These men can retreat to my safe hot tubs and shower rooms. From there we can remove are shirts and just be manly. Manly without women around! Manly enough to fight communism! Hell yeah, we're gonna eat those dirty commies for breakfast!"

Donut began laughing maniacally at all the possibilities of formulating a pink army. Soon, world domination was apart of this vision. "I'm gonna conquer the world," he yelled while his evil laugh did not so much as waver just for him to scream this phrase to the heavens. "Nobody will stop me and my Lightish-Red army!"

"Donut," Grif's voice sounded off in a scream from another room across the base. "Shut the fuck up! We're trying to watch a movie!"

"What movie are you watching," Donut shouted back in random curiosity.

"We're watching the old _Friday the 13__th _movies," Grif replied loudly.

Donut was immediately put off upon hearing this. He did not really like the _Friday the 13__th_ series. He never was a slasher fan. However, he did find the original _Lost Boys_ to be a good flick which he considered to be close enough. Then again, there were probably some very obvious reasons why he liked that movie.

* * *

Meanwhile, Lopez was still held up on the roof. He was busy with the teleporter as usual. It would appear that Lopez had a sinister plan for world domination as well. As he continued to fiddle with the coordinates on the teleporter, he spoke aloud to himself knowing that nobody else in the canyon could understand a word of what he was saying.

"Soon the almighty drug lords will overwhelm the canyon," he said with as much evil emphasis as his emotionless personality could procure. "We will then launch a brave assault towards the Rio Grande! Mexico will be feared once again. This one is for you Santa Anna."

With that last soliloquy finished, Lopez turned a nob on the side of the teleporter before jumping to his feet, and running around to the front of it to await for the arrival of his expected drug lords.

Eventually, Señor El Sexy Lopez as he now called himself, did indeed spot another figure wandering around on the other end of the teleporter. The figure could not be clearly made it out since it was only a shady silhouette of an otherwise green energy field.

It would not be too terribly long before that figure found its way to the green portal. The mystery person would soon reveal their self to Lopez as they stepped out of the green field.

Lopez dropped his shoulders in disappointment to see it was only a stranger, just like Ruby. In fact, just like Ruby, this person was a woman. She had blond hair and purple eyes. Lopez was not amused by seeing this stranger. In fact he was quite annoyed with the whole ordeal.

"Okay, I have a few questions," the young girl began. "Firstly, I saw my sister head through that green thing. Have you seen her? Also, can you tell me where I am? I think we both might be lost."

Lopez stared at the woman for some time. He did not make a move. Instead, Lopez silently turned straight back and ran away. He leaped off of the roof and landed on the ground below. Completely leaving the strange woman's peripherals.

* * *

Grif, Ruby, and Jason were sitting in the main room of Red Base. They sat on the floor, directly in front of an old television set. This only caused them to strongly resemble the famous scene from the movie _Poltergeist_, in which the child is practically glued to a demonic television screen.

The three sat their quietly and listened to the sound of preppy collage kids being brutalized all across the infamous Crystal Lake. They studied the movie with great intent as if it were a work of art as impressive as the Mona Lisa.

It turns out that Grif only had the 2nd and 3rd movies in his collection which would mean they would have to do without the original, but it was still enjoyable.

The loud sounds of screaming and randomly tripping to the ground for no rhyme or reason filled the room. This was only strengthening Jason's ego as he watched all of the achievements he had accomplished in this one movie. He spared the world from dealing with the evil army of preppy collage kids. He found great pride in this. Jason would have continued to admire himself slicing these people up had the door from behind not opened up which caused Ruby, Grif, and even Jason to jump lightly at the unexpected sound.

The three then turned to see Simmons walking in the room.

"Hey guys," he greeted. "I'm back."

"I thought Sarge told you to go jump off a cliff," Grif informed, hoping his little reminder would actually cause Simmons to leave and go do as he was previously told.

"Oh, I already did that," Simmons informed.

"What? No way."

"Yeah I did," Simmons argued. "I climbed up onto the side of the cliff just outside and jumped off just like Sarge asked me too. Luckily a vulture was flying below me. I ended up hitting that big ass bird which broke my fall considerably. I spent the remainder of my time waiting to hit the ground. On the bright side I think I only broke my spine and that pain should kick in any second now."

"Wait a second," Grif replied. He was clearly in shock by this rather insane story. "You mean to tell me that you did exactly what Sarge told you to do. You literally jumped off of a mother fucking cliff?"

Simmons nodded, allowing Grif to continue his analysis of this little story Simmons had only just now announced.

"You ended up landing on a fat ass buzzard that broke your fall about halfway down. You landed on your back I presume which his how you broke your spine. But here's the part that confuses me. Other than wondering why you would jump off a god damn cliff; I have to say, the most confusing part about this is the fact that if you did break your spine, would you not still be lying on the ground out there in ungodly amounts of pain?"

"Not necessarily," Simmons corrected with an index in the air, signaling that he was about to go through a lengthy scientific explanation to address Grif's curiosity. "I assume you've never broken a bone before, correct?"

"Um," Grif thought as he looked up to the ceiling in recollection. "Once. I broke my collar bone when I was really young, but I don't even remember that now."

"Right," Simmons nodded. "Well, when you break a bone, or actually, when anything super painful happens on that scale like you get your hand sawed off or something; you don't feel it right away. Your brain actually releases a hormone... I forget the name of it but it's a defense mechanism that allows for you to escape from danger without being weighed down by the pain of whatever ended up happening to you. So no, I don't feel anything right now, but I'll be crying my eyes out here in the next few minutes or so."

Before Grif could say anything else, Lopez ran into the room and came to an abrupt halt just behind Simmons.

"Oh, what's up Lopez," Grif greeted. Jason waved casually before turning back to face the TV screen. Simmons backed away from Lopez, not wanting the Spanish robot to end up bumping into him or doing anything else that might cause pain to his already doomed back.

"Yo," Lopez greeted. "There's some chick on the roof who's looking for Ruby. I think she's a terrorist so we should probably blast her into next week. I'm also pretty sure she has a bomb hidden away in her cleavage. Believe me, when you see her you'll know it's not impossible. So lock and load, we've got some killing to do."

Everyone blinked at Lopez in silence. They had not the slightest clue what he was saying. Lopez then remembered that he only spoke Spanish. No English. Although, at this point that would be debatable since Lopez always understood what everyone else said, but spoke in Spanish primarily to insult them.

They remained silent for the longest time. None of them wanted to say anything just yet. They were curious to see if Lopez had anything else to stammer on about since this was probably the first time Simmons or Grif had heard so much emotion coming from the little foreign robot.

"Um..." Grif said slowly. "No."

Lopez let out a loud and very obviously annoyed groan. He then lowered his head and shook his head in disappointment. "They simply don't understand me," Lopez announced aloud. "I should just strangle them all in their sleep. Then when they wake up in hell they will know the wrath of Lopez the Great."

As Lopez thought more on his fantasy to kill everyone in the canyon, Simmons abruptly threw himself backwards onto the ground and let out a blood curdling scream.

"_Ahhh! My spine_," he shouted in horror as he began squirming around on the cold concrete like a fish desperately attempting to find its way back to the sea.

"I can see the cow of death," Simmons cried. "It comes for my soul!" Simmons was mostly referring to a hallucination he was currently experiencing which involved a slightly transparent dairy cow face staring him down from the ceiling with glowing red eyes.

"Huh," Grif asked, not at all concerned with his comrade being in pain. He was more interested in hearing about this supposed demon cow. "The cow of death? The fuck are you talking about. You would have happened to have found my LSD stash would you?"


	4. The Fellowship of Europe

_Note: Warning! If you're overly sensitive then you should probably stop reading here. There, you've been warned. For the rest of you, especially you history fans, you'll absolutely love Donut's rise to power. As promised I've done this part of the story far differently, and for the newcomers, well I'm told that this is the part of my story where things go bonkers. So, you have that to look forward to. Oh and another thing. In case the people who read __Voodoo Boys__ were worried that they would never see a particular group of characters that Donut met in Europe, then you'll be relieved to see several of them in this chapter. Enjoy._

* * *

**The Fellowship of Europe**

Franklin Donut, or 'Fuhrer' as he now called himself was busy plotting his rise to power in his very pink room. This room would soon become the new headquarters for Donut's _Lightish-Redist Party_. Donut was now busy calling several friends of his that would be able to make his flamboyant dream come true.

He sat there on his extremely pink bedsheets. At the moment, he was using his helmet's radio as a telephone. He tapped on the bed nervously as he eagerly waited for someone to pick up on the other end of the line. "Come on bro," Donut pleaded. "Mr. Hermler better answer. If anyone knows how to start a political party, it'll be him!"

* * *

_(Location: Somewhere in Brazil)_

In a large mansion along the Brazilian coastline, a slightly familiar man was sitting in his luxurious kitchen, reading a newspaper. He wore an average golfing outfit which consisted of a pink shirt and plaid pants. He had short black hair, brown eyes, and a pair of circular glasses which he constantly wore. His name was Heinrich... _Hermler_.

Heinrich was sitting there in his empty kitchen with not much to do than sit around and do nothing. However, this tranquility would only last a very short time. Soon, Heinrich jumped to hear the sound of his phone ringing.

Obviously, Heinrich was annoyed with having his serenity shattered. Regardless, he stood up and walked over towards the counter where he last left his phone. He picked it up and pressed the green talk button before holding it up to his ear.

"You got Hermler," he greeted in a cocky manner. This was normally how Hermler answered his phone. Although, he was more inclined at times to use the odd little phrase, '_Which bitch is calling me now?_'

"Hey buddy," a familiar voice replied cheerfully on the other end of the line. Heinrich narrowed his eyes at the phone for a few moments. It only took him a split second to figure out who that voice belonged to.

Donut snickered over the phone briefly before continuing. "Heinrich? Is that you? It's me! Your _fabulous_ friend Donut!"

"Oh right," Heinrich replied and nodded to himself. "Yeah, hey Donut. So, how's that canyon treating you? Or are you finally trying to become an interior decorator like you always said you were going to be?"

"Actually," Donut stated slowly. "None of that. I mean, I'm still here in Blood Gulch but I haven't become an interior decorator, slash fashion designer, slash fireman yet. That dream is still on its way, but until then, I have an idea and I think you'll be all over it."

Heinrich remained silent, he crossed his arms to relax himself after realizing that this would probably be a long conversation. However, he was at least becoming more curious about what Donut had to say. They almost never spoke since they first met each other at an odd nightclub in the underwater city of Los Angeles. Ever since then, Heinrich has always talked about 'rising to power' which Donut never understood what that meant until now.

"Alright, now check it out," Donut began with enthusiasm rising in his voice. "I've decided to leave the Red Team, you know the guys I was telling you about when I last talked to you a month ago? Anyway, I left their team and decided to make my own team. But then I got to thinking, instead of making my own team, why don't I just make my own army instead. Then I can conquer all of Blood Gulch and reshape it into my own fabulous vision!"

Donut then silenced himself. Once Heinrich was sure Donut had finished speaking, he opened his mouth.

"Oh my God," he said slowly. "That is totally awesome." he squealed. "I'm in! Look, just don't do anything until I get there. I'll help you became the Fuhrer of Blood Gulch. The first thing I need to do is round up the old gang. You see, I've got a bunch of friends who can help us dominate the world. All I have to do is find them."

"Okay," Donut responded. "Then what should I do in the meantime? I can't do anything at all? Maybe I should go out and start picking up trash for the community or handing out flyers. I could at least make myself known."

"Don't," Heinrich argued. "Just leave everything to me. When we get there, we'll start the take over... uh... I mean the reunification process."

With that Heinrich hung up the phone.

* * *

_(Location: Blood Gulch)_

While Donut was busy preparing his campaign for world domination, Ruby and the woman who claims to be named Yang were sitting on the roof of Red Base watching the canyon which appeared completely empty. This was either due to everyone watching the Jason movies in Red Base, or they simply disappeared somewhere at the other end of the canyon. However, the place was still crawling with chickens. Although, Ol'Sanchez had not been seen in quite awhile.

After a few moments of silence, Sarge walked up from behind. "Hey," he stated which caused the two trans-dimensional women to turn and face the red leader. "What the hell happened to Donut? I've been looking for him all over the place but I haven't seen him yet. I checked his room _and_ the woman's restroom but he wasn't there. Have you seen him?"

"You mean the pink guy," Ruby asked and Sarge nodded to confirm this was the case. "I haven't seen him since he ran off a little while ago. Why do you ask? I thought he left your team and ran away to join a circus or something."

"No," Sarge muttered and scanned the canyon with his eyes for any signs of the pink soldier. "Donut's already been through the '_traveling circus phase_.' He was only gone for a week when that happened. And yeah, he did say he was leaving the team, but I was waiting for him to return. He should have already come crawling back to me by now. He has no survival skills, and all the food belongs to us... So there's only one thing he could do."

* * *

_(Location: Somewhere in Brazil)_

It would not be too long at all before Heinrich set out on a holy quest to reunify the 'Fellowship of Europe.' At the moment all he had was himself. However, he was on the verge of finding his first victim, or rather, his first _comrade_. Heinrich considered himself to be the 'sexy elven archer' of his little posse. The man he was planning on meeting first was what Heinrich considered to be the ugly, fat, dwarf-esque monster of his fellowship.

Heinrich had even changed out of his golfing gear. Instead, he was now wearing an elf costume. He had a pair of fake yet stereotypically long ears on his head and a blond wig on his head. For some reason, a reason that would never make itself apparent, Heinrich was wearing a cowboy hat over his elven wig. Why? No one would ever know the answer.

Heinrich was currently driving along a dirt road which ran straight through a stereotypical meadow filled with tall sunflowers. There was even a rainbow in the sky above. It was a very flamboyant place indeed. He felt a little less manly by driving through it. Regardless, he pressed on to find the man named _Hermann Goerface_. Of course, Heinrich was not really commenting on the fact that there was an actual meadow in Brazil. He never knew it existed until now. Up until this point, he thought it was a geographical impossibility to have a beautiful meadow in a country filled with rainforests and death. In fact it was still technically impossible, but for some strange reason, the happiest and most fabulous meadow in the world was sitting here in the middle of nowhere.

Heinrich could quite literally smell Mr. Goerface in the air. He allowed his nose to follow the sent of this man. Eventually, Heinrich pulled his car to a stop in the middle of the meadow. He cut off the radio which was at the time playing German death metal. With nothing left to do in the car, Heinrich stepped out and shut the door behind himself.

He then took out a pair of old binoculars and held them up over his glasses. Heinrich scanned the area for any signs of life. After a few moments, he definitely found what looked to be the man he was seeking out. He halted the movement of his binoculars as he spotted a middle aged man with short brown hair. He wore a white long coat with several military medals on it. His uniform was definitely out of place when it was among a large field of flowers. Heinrich then lowered his binoculars and adopted a devious smile on his face. This was exactly the man he had been searching for.

Heinrich reopened his car door and tossed the binoculars inside. They landed in the passenger's seat as he had hoped. Heinrich was then about to close the door but stopped himself. He suddenly came up with a new idea that sounded better to him than his previous method in which he was going to get Goerface to join him on his quest. He already knew that Goerface would never leave this happy place to go and conquer the world all over again. Heinrich would have to capture him without his consent. He was originally just going to shoot him in the leg and force him at gun point to rejoin the Fellowship of Europe. Yet now, Heinrich had a much better plan indeed.

He rested his arms on the roof of the car and shifted his eyes back to the immensely happy man in the joyful fields. His grin became far more sinister as he finally made up his mind. He watched Goerface for a little longer just to think his new plan through before beginning it.

* * *

Meanwhile, Goerface was prancing along in the field of flowers, rainbows, and sunshine in the most carefree way possible. He skipped along like a little school girl before out of nowhere, a black car abruptly sped right through the flowers. It suddenly stopped just as it hit Goerface. This caused the man to fly backwards and land on the ground. "_Ah! Mein Gott!_," Hermann screamed as he fell backwards.

The once calming atmosphere was replaced by obnoxious German gangster rap. The music grew louder as the car door opened and out stepped Heinrich Hermler. Heinrich was very nonchalant about the whole situation. He seemed to have no qualms with ramming someone with his car. He left the car door open since this would not take but a few seconds. He turned around and calmly walked towards the trunk of his car as if this was the most normal thing in the world for Heinrich. Then again, this would not be the first time an event such as this has happened under his watch.

Heinrich then threw the trunk open and began whistling to himself as he started digging around inside. He was only whistling to drowned out the sound of Hermann's pained groans from afar. Not too long after Heinrich opened the trunk and began searching through it did he find what he was looking for. He pulled out a roll of industrial duct tape and a roll of rope. Heinrich then closed the trunk and quietly headed off towards Hermann who was still lying flat on his back in a bed of sunflowers.

Hermann immediately squealed as he he spotted the very familiar Heinrich walking up to him. "Nein," he screamed. "How did you find me here!? What do you want with me!? I just want to live in this happy place alone!"

"Shut up," Heinrich muttered as he dropped the rope on the ground next to Hermann and grabbed a hold of the duct tape with both hands. He then tore off a small section of the tape and kneeled down to get closer to Hermann.

"What are you doing," Hermann asked in a panic. He then realized just what this whole thing was all about. "Nein," Goerface shouted. "I don't want to go back! Leave me here! No more world domination, no more!"

"I said shut up," Heinrich yelled harshly over the sound of Hermann's screaming. Hermann would have said something else had Heinrich not have finally placed the tape firmly over his mouth. Heinrich then grabbed a hold of Hermann's arm and rolled him over on his back.

"Goddamn, you're so fucking fat," Heinrich breathed. He was clearly having trouble with the big fellow. He could here Hermann saying something in response but the tape reduced his words to mere muffled gibberish.

Heinrich then grabbed the rope and placed Hermann's hands behind his back. He promptly hogtied Hermann as if he were newly captured wild game which would be placed in some zoo in America. It would only take Heinrich a few minutes to finish bounding Hermann. The poor man tried to squirm free, but he was ultimately unsuccessful. It was now official, Hermann Goering was a member of the Fellowship of Europe once again.

The hard part unfortunately was not finding a way to bound and gag Hermann, it was throwing him in the car that was the real issue. The problem remained that Mr. Goerface was an extremely large man. Granted he was not Churchill size, but he was still a pretty hefty man. Heinrich attempted to lift Hermann up by his limbs as they were tied together but he did not succeed. He was only able to lift Hermann up partially before he dropped him to the ground once more.

"Shit, you're fat as hell," Heinrich sighed. "Alright I'm going to try a different approach, because mein Gott, your blubber is so immense, I have to move you with a fucking jack. You worthless little man you."

Heinrich then retreated back to his trunk where he pulled out a red carjack before closing the trunk and returning to where Hermann was still lying on the ground. In an aggressive and very unfriendly manner, Heinrich shoved the jack underneath Hermann's body and pushed the lever up and down. Heinrich continued this process until the jack had reached its maximum height. Hermann was now suspended several feet in the air. He looked around frantically and watched as Heinrich abruptly turned around and walked towards his car.

Hermann could not figure out what he was doing, but for some odd reason, Heinrich stepped inside the car and closed the door. He then backed the car out before driving it off into the distance. A few moments would pass before Heinrich stopped his driving. The trunk was now facing Hermann. Heinrich slowly backed up until the car's trunk was right next to Hermann's suspended body.

The driver's door then opened up again and Heinrich stepped out of the car. He walked towards Hermann. He opened the trunk on his way to Goerface. Heinrich got behind the hogtied man, and with all of his strength Heinrich pushed Goerface into the trunk.

Hermann landed face down inside the trunk, but was able to turn his head ever so slightly to see over his shoulder. Heinrich threw the jack in on top of Goerface which was quite painful seeing as how it landed on his face. Heinrich then gave a victorious smirk to Hermann as he lifted his arms to grab a hold of the trunk door. "Whelp," he announced. "One down. Two more to go." With that said, Heinrich threw the trunk closed, plunging the intimidated Hermann into darkness. He truly was having a very unpleasant day.

* * *

_(Location: Mexico City)_

Heinrich had been driving for a couple of days now. He was on the verge of finding the next man involved in the Fellowship of Europe. That man's name was Joachim _Ribbentramp_. The last time Heinrich had heard, Ribbentramp was living here in Mexico City. He, like every member of the Fellowship, evacuated Europe and moved to these faraway lands after certain 'events' in Europe turned south for the Fellowship.

Heinrich could tell he was in Mexico City after he saw all of the shantytowns, Chihuahuas, and drug lords which the country had a surplus of at the moment. It was for these reasons that Heinrich decided to move to Brazil instead of Mexico. He was missing out on partying with infamous Pablo Escobar, but then again, from what Heinrich had last heard he was killed several years ago.

Heinrich drove slowly through the city. He watched the crowds walking around on the sidewalks and crossing streets. He kept an eye out for anyone who looked like a tall German man with a top-hat. It would not be too terribly long before Heinrich suddenly slammed the breaks on his car as he spotted a man who fit that description exactly. He saw a man walking on the sidewalk with a cane, fancy black suit, and a top hat on his head.

Wasting no time at all, Heinrich rolled down the window and poked his head out. "_Joachim! Yo, Joachim!_"

Reluctantly, the man named Joachim stopped in his tracks and turned around. He quickly noticed the very familiar Hermler sitting in his car with hardcore German death metal playing on his radio. That was just like Heinrich, when he was not listening to German metal, he was listening to German gangster rap. Both of those are totally real as well.

Ribbentramp's face lit up as he saw the familiar face. He then span around and pranced towards the car. "Mr. Hermler," he greeted. "I'm surprised you're here. Does that mean it's time to reform the Fellowship?"

"That's right," Heinrich nodded. "Now get in, we've still got some more things to do before we get started. I'll tell you about what I'm planning when we're on the road."

"Yay," Ribbentramp cheered and abruptly ran off in the middle of the street which caused a massive car wreck of about seven different vehicles as a result of them swerving to avoid hitting Ribbentramp when he ran out in front of them. Joachim then opened up the passenger's door and climbed in. Ribbentramp promptly shut the door and Heinrich sped away from the scene before the Mexican police arrived.

* * *

After about twenty minutes of driving, Ribbentramp was growing more and more curious about why after all this time, Heinrich was only just now reformulating the Fellowship of Europe. Neither of the two had spoken for awhile and Heinrich has yet to address why all of this was happening. Heinrich must have figured out someway to gain power once again. Heinrich was even wearing his elf outfit which means this must be a legit operation. After all, when Heinrich was in his elf costume, serious things were about to go down, and people were going to die

After a few more minutes, Joachim finally turned off Heinrich's radio. This immediately interrupted his grove and caused Heinrich to claw at the steering wheel in frustration. "_What was that for_," he hissed in an almost demonic tone.

"You still haven't told me what we're dealing with," Joachim reminded. "Why are you getting everyone back together? Have you really found a way to regain our former glory?"

"Oh yeah," Heinrich replied in a much more cheerful and slightly cocky tone of voice. "I've met this new guy, right? Now, he's going to be the man who becomes the next Fuhrer."

"I don't know if Mr. Hipster is going to appreciate you saying that," Joachim stated nervously. He even glanced over his shoulder just to make sure that the man he was referring to would not happen to be nearby.

"Well, he'll get over it," Heinrich responded in a nonchalant manner. He then remembered just who it was that they were talking about. His blood ran cold in fear, and he gripped the steering wheel in apprehension. "Uh, don't tell him I said that."

"I won't," Ribbentramp snickered. "So, what now. Are we going to get Goerface next?"

"I already got him," Heinrich replied and pointed his thumb over his shoulder. He's in the trunk right now. I found him in some really gay meadow where there was a bunch of flowers and rainbows everywhere. I'm pretty sure I even saw a unicorn when I was leaving that place. He was actually in Brazil so naturally I picked him up on my way. I decided to grab you next and then we'll go find Hipster and get this party started!"

"Wait a minute," Ribbentramp interjected. "What about Manfoot? You still haven't got him yet. Don't you think it would be a little bit rude to revive the old Fellowship but not invite Josef? He worked so hard for us back in the old days."

"Nein, he didn't," Heinrich snapped. "That guy was fucking crazy and I never ever want to see him again. I literally still have nightmares about that shit he did with the cookies that one year for Halloween! You remember that?"

Joachim nodded and let out a defeated sigh. "Yes I remember. He cooked live lizards inside the cookies as one of his experiments, but come on Heinrich. You aren't really going to leave the poor guy all by himself in Miami are you?"

"I hate him," Heinrich pouted. For some odd reason, Hermler's brain simply did not process the second half of what Joachim said. He sat there quietly for a few moments. Joachim did not say anything since he was pretty sure it would be any minute now before Heinrich realized everything that he had previously said. "Wait a minute," he finally exclaimed and glanced to Joachim in surprise. "Did you say Manfoot is living in fucking Miami!?"

Joachim shut his eyes in a relaxed manner and nodded quietly. "What the fuck," Heinrich practically shouted. "Why is he in Miami while I have to live with the jungle people and you have to live under rule of those crazy drug lords!? That is so not far. I know he arrived to this hemisphere in Florida, but I didn't know he stayed there!"

"Yep," Joachim replied to confirm that all of this rather shocking news Heinrich had just received was indeed very true. "I don't know all the details, but I do know that he's like über rich right now. He's got a big ass mansion on the beach and everything. I don't have a clue how he got that money, but I know for a fact that he has it."

Heinrich's jaw was dropped in shock. He simply could not believe that an insane man like Josef Manfoot could gain more money than he has. "Are you fucking serious," he asked in obvious astonishment. "How is that even possible? That's insane. Alright, we'll go to Miami. I just have to see this mansion for myself."

"Well it's like they say," Joachim began. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

Heinrich was confused by this. He had no idea why Joachim even said that. "Wait what? What are you talking about? What do apples have to do with anything? And for the record, that saying is total dog shit because I never eat apples and I rarely get sick."

"Um," Joachim muttered as he looked up to think of a new saying to use. "When in Rome," he abruptly replied which confused Heinrich even more.

"Nein," Hermler argued. "Nein, that has nothing to do with this either."

"Well it's like the old saying goes," Ribbentramp interrupted to try his luck one more time. "Monster will cry."

"Nobody has ever said that in the history of mankind," Heinrich exclaimed. "Just stop talking. We'll go to Miami but then we're going to get Hipster and get the hell out of the Americas!"

"Where is Hipster again," Joachim asked out of curiosity.

"The weirdest place on the planet next to Florida," Heinrich said darkly.

Ribbentramp let out a surprised gasp and slightly disbelieved what he was hearing. "You don't mean..."

"I do," Heinrich confirmed. "Hipster is living in _Argentina_."


	5. Journey to Argentina

_Note: Hello there, fellow Donutists! I hope it hasn't been too tedious for the fans of this story to have to wait constantly for new chapter updates. Radio Pink is at the bottom of the priority list, and it will remain there until I've finished some other more oppressing projects. I hope the chapters are long and entertaining enough to justify the wait though. And if all of the comments on this chapter don't say the phrase "Thank you, George Bush," then I'll be very disappointed that I didn't start a new meme. Oh by the way. I'm gonna go ahead and warn people that this chapter will probably be one of, if not the craziest chapter in the entire story._

* * *

**Journey to Argentina**

A soldier in a purple suit of armor was running as fast as he possibly could through the divided canyon of Blood Gulch. He unfortunately could not run while he pulled a red wagon. In that wagon was a rather heavy metal ball named Andy. That purple soldier was of course none other than the one and only Doc. He ran straight past Red Base and he would have kept going to wherever his desired location was, but he was forced to a stop as he heard someone's voice call out to him from the roof of the base.

"Hey," a female's voice spoke out. "Who are you?"

Doc stopped in his tracks and turned towards the Red Base. There on the edge of the roof sat two young ladies. The one to his left wore a red and black outfit while the one on the right wore a yellow brown outfit. Doc had no idea who these two were but he could safely assume they were 'ladies of the night' due to their classless attire.

"My name is DuFrense," Doc replied loudly. "Actually, to you that would be Medical Officer Super Private First Class Frank DuFrense! But everyone around here calls me Doc. Oh, and this little guy in the wagon is Andy. Uh, what's your name?"

"My name is Ruby," the girl in red and black greeted with a wave. "Ruby Rose, and this is my sister, Yang! So, what are you doing here? Do you need to talk to Mr. Sarge, or are you just another one of those people who wants Jason Voorhees' autograph?"

"Uh," Andy began from within the wagon. "Did that one broad just say Jason was here in the canyon?"

"I think so," Doc confirmed. "Anyway," he called out, returning his attention to the women on the roof. "Actually, we're not here for any of that. Could you do us a favor and not tell anyone that we're here in the canyon. We already know what we're looking for so don't even worry about us. Just try to keep this little meeting between us! Can you do that?"

"Yeah," Andy agreed. "Keep it a secret. Hey, and what did you say your sister's name was again?"

"Her name is Yang," Ruby called back.

Andy snickered to himself in his own perversion. "Hey Yang! Why don't you come down here and rub those two big ass balloons all over me!? Come on doll, ya know ya wanna! If you do it slowly I'll reward you with my gigantic..."

Doc quickly figured out what was going on and decided to intervene before it was too late. "Hey," he snapped. "Don't say such profanities in front of a lady! Didn't your mother ever teach you any manners. At any rate, if you want to get to know her, I've got a tip for you. My dad taught me that the quickest way to a woman's heart was by slipping a little pill in her drink. Apparently, women go so crazy over that, they won't be able to resist you!"

"That's because they would be unconscious," Andy informed.

"What," Doc asked in a high pitched tone of voice. "That's not true. You just slip them the pill and they'll let you do anything you want to them."

"Actually, that's what normal people call date raping," Andy corrected in a casual manner. "When you slip them that pill, it knocks them out cold. Then you take them back to your place and well... you rape them. That's why its called the date rape drug. Oh, and that's freaking horrible, why the fuck would your father tell you that?"

"Uh, it isn't rape if they consent to it," Doc argued.

"Elaborate," Andy requested in confusion.

"Well, my daddy says that if they don't fight you, then they are consenting. It makes sense if you think about it."

"Dude," Andy sighed. "They're fucking unconscious you freaking moron! You sound like a psychopathic serial rapist trying to console himself from guilt! Look, I'm done with this weird conversation. Now wheel me outta here you freak of nature."

* * *

_(Location: Miami, Florida)_

During the dark days of the early 20th Century, there was a mystical band of middle aged German men who called themselves the Fellowship of Europe. Originally, the group consisted of two middle aged Germans dressed as hobbits, one dressed as a sexy elven archer, a dwarf, one person dressed like a wizard with the worlds most glorious beard, and a manly human knight with a brilliant comb-over. Their goal was very straightforward, conquer the world. It was quite a simple task, but they failed miserably. This was mostly due to Hermann Goerface completely screwing everyone over when they attempted to defeat the Dark Lord of England, but some could point a finger at a certain general in Africa who betrayed the Fellowship. Regardless, all of these events now led them to the most uncomfortable place imaginable.

Florida was the most insidious place on earth. Nothing but swamps, alligators, strippers named Crystal, and hilarious crimes come from this horrid wasteland. From people shoving chainsaws in their pants to the horrific 80s classic, _Miami Vice_, Florida had it all. It was pretty much widely known as the cesspool of North America. In fact, statistically speaking, there are more cases of public masturbation in Florida than in all 49 other state of America _combined_!

It would be dishonest to say that the land of Florida was not possessed by the evil powers of vengeful gods of old. The very place reeked of poorly made margaritas and illegal Cuban imports. The sun also never shined in Florida. Unfortunately, this dark land was where our somewhat brave heroes were led to on their journey to conquer the world.

Heinrich, Joachim, and Hermann would all soon arrive to an enormous white mansion near Miami beach. The place looked like something out of the movie _Scarface_. There was even a tiger chained to one of the trees in the front yard.

Heinrich had finally let Hermann out of the trunk and dressed him in some sort of hideous dwarf outfit. Joachim was wearing a fake noise and a plastic pair of ears that made him look more like some sort of awkward hobbit creature. Heinrich parked the car on the side of the road and the Fellowship of Europe disbanded from their mighty Mercedes of justice, and German rap music. The group then proceeded forward to the large golden doors which marked the entrance of this enormous mansion.

"This is crazy," Joachim remarked with a cheerful expression. "I heard Manfoot was rich but I did not think he was so rich that I could catch a whiff of filthy money, and the stench of whores all the way from Pensacola."

"I have to know what he did to get all of this," Heinrich stated as his gaze averted from one expensive gold statue to the next. "How many has he killed for this? He better not have beat my record. I've been laying low since we fled Europe. It wouldn't be too hard to beat my record after all these years."

"Your record sucks," Hermann remarked from behind.

"Quite or I'll rip out your eyeballs and steal your very soul," Heinrich hissed in the most demonic sounding voice he could possibly procure.

The three would soon step up to the balcony which was constructed entirely out of marble. Once again, it was just another sign that this man they called Josef Manfoot has grown insanely rich over the centuries after they broke apart. Heinrich stepped up and rang the diamond incrusted doorbell, with a flat expression on his face.

It would take no time it all before the door opened and out stepped a man with black hair, brown eyes, and a very creepy smile on his face. He wore an all white suit that looked like something someone would see straight out of some cheesy drug movie from the 80s. He wore a pink undershirt which was unbuttoned, revealing a majority of his chest. He also had pink shoes on as well. In essence, the man in front of them was the very soul of 1970s Miami. His name was of course, Josef Manfoot. He was once the second hobbit of the Fellowship.

"_Ayyy_," Manfoot exclaimed as if he were the Fonz. "Look who it is. Hermler, Goerface, and Ribbentramp! Well come on in, it's been so long since I've seen you guys! How is life in South America!?"

"Manfoot," Heinrich growled. "What the hell is all of this," he asked as Manfoot stepped aside and the other members of the old Fellowship walked into the main hallway. There were two large bronze statues of Manfoot taking Olympic poses, of course he was nude as well. There was also a line of expensive chandeliers on the ceiling leading all the way to the living room which was blocked by two more golden doors.

"Oh, you guys didn't know," Manfoot questioned obnoxiously. "I got involved in a new business! I got super rich in no time! It's been so fun being me, ya know?"

Goerface turned around and gave a puzzled look to Manfoot. "What kind of business?"

"I transport over 400 kilos of cocaine from Colombia to America every two weeks. No big deal really. It's a boring job, but it pays the bills so I can't complain."

Everyone abruptly turned around with astonishment. "Holy fuck," Heinrich shouted, his voice echoing throughout the mansion. "You transport 400 kilos of Colombian bam-bam through Miami!? That's the most bad ass thing I've ever heard in my life!"

"Well, it gets boring after awhile," Manfoot replied dismissively. His creepy smile abruptly returned to his face. "So anyway, you guys didn't come all the way out here for nothing. Are we getting the band back together? Is it time for round two?"

"Yes," Joachim remarked. "Now, come along. There is still one more person we have to retrieve."

* * *

_(Location: Somewhere in Argentina)_

Deep into the heart of the crazed nation known only as Argentina, there lived a whole world of craziness. At the moment, there was an alien invasion happening in the large city of Buenos Aires which was where Heinrich had just parked his car in front of a small studio building. Another notable detail about this alien invasion was the fact that there was an army of giant flying squirrels with jet packs fighting with the UFOs. Again, Argentina was one of the many places on earth which was ignored in major sections of global media. Therefore, the most insane things could happen in this nation and nobody would care.

"Ugh," Heinrich began as he looked to the firefight in the sky. "This place is just as weird as I remember it. Oh well, let's find Adolf and get the hell out of here. The last time I came here I was attacked by some sort of horrific monkey with ungodly strength. I hope that thing isn't still around," he shuttered and sniffed the air. "Oh no, I can smell it!"

Heinrich began frantically searching the crowded streets for any signs of this supposed otherworldly monkey, but there was nothing of the sorts lurking nearby. He would have continued to search the crowds but Joachim walked up from behind him which broke his concentration.

"We should probably get to looking for Mr. Hipster," Joachim proclaimed. "After all, no Fellowship is complete without the bearded wizard."

* * *

_(Location: Caves, Blood Gulch)_

Several soldiers wearing identical pink armor surrounded their new leader, Franklin Donut, who was now sitting behind a wooden desk. A large globe representing earth was positioned on the table alongside some very odd looking documents. In the background, two huge pink banners with Donut's face on it were posted on the cave walls behind the pink leader.

"Mein Fuhrer," one of the pink soldiers began. Strangely enough, that pink soldier was once known as the red zealot. However, he had recently betrayed his holy flag after he read a crayon colored pamphlet which contained Donut's first propaganda campaign which was released some twenty minutes ago. Now, the red zealot was one of Donut's leading figures in the newly established 'Lightish-Redist Blood Gulch Workers' Party.'

"Yeah man," Donut replied cheerfully. "What's going on? You having fun? I sure am!"

The zealot glanced over his shoulder to his other comrades where just as confused as he was. The zealot soon turned around and gave his Fuhrer a confused look. "Actually, mein Fuhrer," the zealot began slowly. "We were wondering how long we're planning to stay held up in these caves. Those insidious communists on the surface are probably laughing at us right now! When are we going to go up there and kick there asses!?"

Donut abruptly cleared his throat and puffed out his chest as he just remembered that he needs to sound more serious and threatening. "Um...," he said in as deep of a voice as he could possibly produce. "Sit tight, soldier. When the time is right, we'll liberate the canyon from the communist Blues and unify the Red Team."

"What do you mean, unify," asked the pink zealot.

"Well, we are all red after all," Donut reminded, his more flamboyant and playful tone of voice returning. "However, Lightish-Red is the master color. We are the superior men who will guide the Red Team from now on. We will have to conquer the canyon first. We will start by taking control of Red Base. All Reds of the canyon must be unified which means Sarge, Simmons, Grif, Lopez, that one chick who looks like Little Red Riding Hood, and Jason Voorhees must all be annexed into the new Lightish-Redist army of... _Lightish-Redism_. From there we'll totally destroy all the guys on Blue Team. Either that, or they'll surrender in which case we'll force them to become Lightish-Redists! Then we can build a spaceship and travel to Europe where we will rule the world, or at least all the cool parts!"

"Sounds like a fantastic plan sir," the zealot complemented. "You truly are the most sexy genius alive."

"Thank you soldier," Donut complemented. "Now, everyone return to your stations! Make sure that the super happy fun rainbow lasers of death are prepared and aimed at both bases. In the event that the Reds and Blues work together against us, we'll need a _fabulous_ way to melt their faces off! Yay!"

Donut then abruptly turned to the left and looked towards the cave wall. "And thank you George W. Bush," he said and gave a nod to an oil painting of Bush Jr. eating at McDonald's with a ten gallon hat on his head and a fat kid sitting next to him. "You're an all American."

* * *

Meanwhile, Jason, Grif, and Sarge had just walked out of Red Base. Simmons was the only one not outside seeing as how he was still suffering from a broken spine but Sarge just gave him some baby aspirin and told him to walk it off.

"Yo Jason," Grif stated in an odd tone of voice which almost sounded as if he was trying to forcefully appear cooler than he actually was.

As Sarge walked away, the psychopathic mass killer turned towards Grif and silently stared at him. Grif took this as a sign that Jason was at least halfway interested in what he had to say. Either that or Jason was just about to kill Grif now that Sarge had his back turned. However, Grif dismissed the ladder theory seeing as how Sarge would want to see Grif be chopped to pieces. Naturally, Grif decided to just continue rambling on to the man who could very easily dismember him in the blink of an eye.

"Do you ever wonder why we're here," Grif questioned in an almost philosophical manner.

Jason simply stared at Grif for about fifteen minutes. The only reason Grif decided not to say anything for that entire interval of time was due to his minor curiosity as he was too busy wondering if Jason would actually do something. After that fifteen minute mark was up, Grif became very creeped out and decided to walk away with his head down.

* * *

_(Location: Cooking with Hipster Studio, Argentina)_

Heinrich, Joachim, Josef, and Hermann all sneaked their way into the television broadcasting studio which was presumably the place where the man they called Adolf Hipster preformed his own cooking show. From what Heinrich could gather on the way to Argentina, Adolf was practically a slave to a contract he signed stating he would be the host of Argentina's number one cooking show after the previous chef died in a horrible incident involving flaming sharks from outer space.

The four members of the Fellowship abruptly leaned out of a dark hallway in the same way one would see from an old _Loony Tunes_ episode. They each looked out into the main set room where a man with blue eyes, combed over black hair, and a thick Spanish mustache was standing with an apron labeled 'Kiss the Fuhrer' on it. In his hand was a large meat cleaver. He stood behind a kitchen counter with a live squid feeling around with its tendrils. There was no clear reason why a squid was involved, but none of the less, it was and Hipster was about to cut it up and cook it for his audience.

"There he is," Ribbentramp whispered. "_Mein Gott!_ What sort of Hell is he trapped in? This is the most demented cooking show I've seen since I watched that last season of Guy Fieri's show on Food Network."

"I can see that," Heinrich retorted. "Now, all we have to do find a way to free him from this horrible show."

"Um," Manfoot interrupted nervously. "I just realized," he said in his usual creepy tone. "I'm being hunted by the Colombian drug lords because I forgot to give them their share of the profits I make selling the goods. So I'll wait outside and keep watch. Why don't you guys try to find a way to free Mr. Hipster on your own?"

"Goddammit Manfoot," Heinrich shouted in a whisper as everyone backed themselves into the hall away from the open entrance to Hipster's set. "The one time we need you and you get yourself involved with those damn Colombians. Didn't Scarface teach you anything. Don't fuck with the Colombians or they'll kill your brother with a chainsaw."

"But I don't have a brother," Manfoot giggled.

Heinrich gritted his teeth in frustration. He was on the verge of punching the crazy drug trafficker in the face. "Just get the fuck out," he seethed and pointed towards the door. Manfoot winked at him and promptly ran away. Heinrich then turned back around to the two remaining comrades of his and shook off his annoyance. "Okay guys, I've got a plan."

Thirty more minutes would pass and Hipster was still talking about what he was going to do to this demon squid from Hell. "Now," Hipster began in a German accent that was just as thick as every other member of the Fellowship. "We're going to boil the demon squid in salty water. The reason we add salt to the water is to keep it from spewing that black sperm... uh, I mean ink, on everything. Basically, these demon squids are different from regular squids because they will spray their ink if they find themselves in boiling fresh water. But if it's salty they won't give a shit. Oh, and make sure the salt isn't kosher."

Hipster was about to pour an entire box of salt into the boiling pot just to the right of the squid, he jumped when the familiar faces of Heinrich, Joachim, and Hermann ran into the room with fully automatic machine guns. "Schizer," Hipster exclaimed as he dropped his knife. The loud noise must have startled his little demon squid because the oceanic creature from the underworld abruptly leaped into the air and landed on Heinrich's head where it proceeded to attempt to eat his brains.

"Ahh," Hermler cried in pain as he began running around in circles with the squid still trying desperately to suck out his brains. "Get it off! Get it off!"

Everyone continued to watch him for a few moments just to see what would happen, but after a short while, a single gunshot could be heard from behind and the squid exploded from atop Heinrich's head. The crazed German finally calmed down and everyone looked towards the exit where Manfoot held an assault rifle in hand.

"Hey," Manfoot called out. "The Colombians are here! They're using an army of giant evil demon squids to do their evil will! They're on their way now! We've got to get out of Argentina!"

Just as he said this, the very roof itself was torn off of the building. An enormous glowing red squid then leaned into the building, looking around at the different member's of the Fellowship with its single huge eye.

"Oh mein Gott," Hermann said in shock.

"Everyone," a voice called out from behind. The four turned back and in an awe striking moment, they spotted Adolf there behind his counter, but that was not the most glorious aspect of this scene. There he was, sitting on a majestic all white unicorn. It was unclear where this mythical creature came from but logic was left behind long ago. Now, Adolf Hipster was sitting on a unicorn despite this being physically impossible. Another notable feature about the unicorn was that a small red wagon was attached to the back of this mighty creature.

"_Ride the unicorn_," Hipster ordered which caused everyone to run towards him. Heinrich, Manfoot, and Joachim immediately leaped onto the unicorn's back right behind Hipster. This only left the hefty Hermann on the ground.

"Uh," he began nervously and pointed towards the little red wagon in the back. "I guess that wagon is for me to ride in?"

"Nein," Hipster retorted. "That wagon is for mein friend. You'll just have to run with the mighty unicorn."

"But I can't keep up," Hermann retorted.

"Oh yes you can," Adolf argued and pulled out a freshly cooked schnitzel. He then dangled the German favorite in front of the now drooling Goerface.

With that Hipster kicked the unicorn in the side which caused it to run straight for a wall, blowing a hole in the concrete as it left the building. The group made it outside where an army of flying squids were visibly overwhelming the city, but that did not stop the world's only unicorn from riding majestically with the wind.

Hipster quickly forced the unicorn to a stop as soon as he spotted his 'friend.' Hermann Goerface halted his running with relief as he was glad to take a break. There in the middle of the road was what appeared to be a long haired ape that was similar in anatomy to a man. This Sasquatch-esque entity held a heavy machine gun in his hand which was shooting liquid fire rather than bullets, because bullets were not manly enough for him.

"Holy shit, is that Bigfoot," Heinrich asked in shock.

"Nein, it's Chewbacca," Adolf corrected. "Bigfoot couldn't make it." Hipster then brought his hand to his mouth and whispered loudly over the explosions in the background. Chewbacca suddenly turned around and ran towards the unicorn. He jumped into the little red wagon and resumed his mayhem and destruction.

"Alright Hermler," Hipster called out over the sounds of death and general madness happening around them. "Where do we go from here?"

"Blood Gulch," Heinrich said firmly. That was all he needed to say, Hipster then spurred the unicorn once more and the group rode off towards the horizon while Goerface was trying to keep up as best as the poor man could.

* * *

Meanwhile, a man named Julio Peppersauce was watching all of this from a nearby rooftop. He wore a white suit similar to Manfoot's. He had black hair, brown eyes, and a thick mustache. He also had a cigar in his mouth. Peppersauce was the most powerful drug lord in all of Colombia. Now, he was after the entire Fellowship of Europe.

One of Peppersauce's foot soldiers walked up to him with a shocked expression on his face. "Uh... Señor Peppersauce, what do we do now?"

"Would you look at that," Julio stated in a sexy Spanish accent. There was much passion in his voice. "Those German men are all riding on a unicorn with Chewbacca shooting fire in a wagon in the back. We've lost. Pull our men out. That is just too much sexy for us. We'll have to find another way to beat that Manfoot and get my money back. Go and inform the men that we must activate the S_ecret Weapons of Super Sexy Cocain__e__ Power_ if we are to have a hope of beating these crazy people!"

"Right away Señor," the soldier nodded.


	6. The Fabulous Rise of Franklin Donut

_Note: I hope I'm portraying the __RWBY__ characters as accurately as I am the __Red vs Blue__ cast. The reason I bring this up is because, and I've said this to only one person, but I never actually watched even a second of __RWBY__. I never really cared enough about the production to watch it, but what I have done was read up on the wikia to figure out what the characters are like. I forgot to mention this in __Blood Gulch__, but I will mention it now before I end up too far in the story for it to even matter. So, if you see Ruby or somebody else briefly act out of character then you now know why it happened. I hope that hasn't been the case but I wouldn't know. I also know the fact that Ruby did next to nothing in the original series was a big complaint for most people. My original mentality was that she should probably just stay out of the major conflicts because at the end of the day, I still have to correlate all of these events back to the beginning of season 6. However, I do officially have plans to make Ruby more useful so you can all look forward to that._

* * *

**The Fabulous Rise of Franklin Donut**

Tucker sat down on the edge of the roof on Blue Base while Church was standing behind them. Tucker kept his eyes on the right wall of the canyon as he had been doing all day. Church however, was watching Caboose as he ran around in circles in front of the base. He scanned the wall for any signs of movement, of course, Church has yet to figure out why he was so obsessed with going to the caves at this point. Tucker asked if Church wanted to go up there to see if the Reds were doing anything, but Church saw no real reason to do so.

"Hey Church," Tucker began. "Why don't we go up and poke around in the caves for a bit? We haven't been up there in a long time. Who knows what could be in there. Am I right?"

"You've been talking about the caves for the last four hours," Church stated firmly. "What the hell for? Why do you want to go up and look around in that dirty old place. There's nothing interesting in there, just a bunch of rocks and some old weapons the Reds never got around to killing us with. It's like there freaking dumpster of failed annihilation attempts. Do you really want to waste everyone's time by going up there and seeing the same old shit all over again?"

Tucker sighed and stood up. "Yeah, I think there's something up there. After I woke up from my nap I was gonna go back over to Red Base to talk to Jason some more but I saw these people walking around near the front entrance to the caves. I watched them for a bit and they were just hanging around for like ten or fifteen minutes. I thought about going up there but they all entered the caves and I couldn't see them after that. I didn't want to walk in there alone and get nailed from behind... _Bow __Chicka_ _B__ow __W__ow!_"

"Okay, that's just weird," Church implied. He appeared to be preaching to a metaphorical choir since Tucker could only nod his head in response. "Was it the Reds? Maybe it was that chick Lopez zapped in from that alternate dimension? Those are the only other people who live out here other than us. I know Sister has been sleeping for the past few hours so it can't have been her."

"No dude," Tucker disclaimed almost immediately after Church finished his theory. "They definitely weren't the Reds. They were like five guys up there and they were all wearing pink armor. They also had guns which is part of the reason why I didn't go up there. I'm not stupid, I'm well aware that those guns are meant for metaphorically raping people. _Bow Chicka Bow Wow._"

"That's even creepier," Church proclaimed. "Because the only person we know of he who has pink armor is Donut."

"What's so creepy about Donut?"

Church groaned to himself as he attempted to figure out of a way of explain his problem. "Well, I heard something about Donut leaving the Red Team. If that's true and you saw five people wearing pink armor then Donut must be making a new team. But who are those five people you saw? This could actually become a big problem real quickly if left unchecked."

"Why? What the fuck is Donut going to do," asked Tucker.

"Eh, good point," Church replied as he just realized how nonthreatening Donut truly is. "I'm sure if anything happens, the Reds will deal with it."

"Yeah," Tucker agreed. "But I'd still like to go up there just to know what's actually going down around here, and..." Tucker then abruptly began trailing off as he noticed something in the distance. "_Oh my God, boobs!_"

Church was was almost immediately confused by Tucker's unexpected statement. "Huh, what are you talking about?"

Tucker became more and more antsy with each passing second that he was standing there, not doing anything when he was clearly seeing something of interest which Church could not locate with his eyes. "Boobs," Tucker repeated. "Red Base. I gotta go!" With that, Tucker suddenly jumped off of the roof and onto the ground where he proceeded to run as quickly as possible over the hills of the canyon and towards Red Base, leaving Church in the dust as usual.

* * *

Along the dirt road on the wall of the canyon which led to the caves Donut was using as a temporary base for his absolutely _fabulous_ regime, the Fellowship of Europe was now sneaking quietly across. They kept low, as to avoid being seen by the people not involved with Donut's plans for conquest. The members of the Fellowship had a hard time making their way up to the cave entrance when they also had to deal with changing their outfits because they knew Fuhrer Donut would be angry if they were to show up in anything but pink or 'Lightish-Red' as he now demanded it to be called.

Heinrich led the way as he forcefully pulled a pink rubber boot up his right leg, hopping along as quickly as possible towards the caves. They were all wearing similar uniforms. Pink tunics, pink puffy pants, pink boots, a pink belt along with a matching cross belt, and a pink visor cap to go along with everything else. The only accessory they wore which was not pink would be the armband each man had around their upper right arm. The armband itself was pink but there was a large circle in the center just on the outside of their arm for everyone to see. This circle was solid white and at the center of this circle was a picture of Donut's face. His face was of course concealed with his pink helmet. This was the new symbol of what would soon become the 'Donutreich.'

"Damn this outfit," Hipster complained as he trailed behind Hermler. "First you drag me out of my cooking show for reasons I have yet to figure out since no one tells me anything. Then we dress up like a bunch of nerds heading to a Lord of the Rings convention. Not but an hour later do we change into these new uniforms which make me feel like I'm about to march in right-wing gay pride parade. _What the fuck!?_"

"Calm your tits, mein Fuhrer," Heinrich said dismissively without so much as stopping to look at Adolf as he made his response. "These are our new uniforms. You'll just have to put up with it for the time being. I thought we would be allowed to wear our costumes but Fuhrer Donut, the new Fuhrer, has ordered that everyone must wear pink from now on if they don't want to be shot. Of course, around the gay Fuhrer, you need to say lightish-red instead of pink. You'll be shot if you don't use to correct terminology."

Hipster groaned to himself but made sure that Heinrich could hear his annoyance. "I want to know where the unicorn and Chewbacca went. Did they really just disintegrate as soon as we entered this new dimension? That can't really happen, can it?"

"Unfortunately, they did," Heinrich responded with a disappointed roll of his eyes. "I guess they were not as awesome as us and they just couldn't handle that bad ass teleporter. It was just to awesome and stylish. They couldn't handle it."

"Does that mean we're safe from the Colombians," asked Manfoot.

"I doubt the Colombians have the technology to travel across time and space to an alternate dimension," Heinrich disclaimed casually. He said this rather confidently but he failed to remember that the Colombians had access to a lot of strange weapons which they nearly could not escape from."

"You haven't done business with them either," Manfoot insisted. "I bet you money they could but as long as they don't know we're here then we should be okay."

At this point, Goerface could not hold his tongue. He simply had to have a few answers regarding the life Josef Manfoot leads. "How the fuck do you get involved with reality altering Colombian drug lords!? Why is that even a thing? Do they bend reality so much for the sake of getting their cocaine to Miami? I've watched _Scarface_ since it first came out in Germany way back in 1942, then again when the Americans released it in the 80s. Let me tell you something, I saw no reality altering Colombians."

"What," Manfoot questioned with a creepy giggle. "You believe everything the TV tells you?"

"Wait a minute," Joachim interrupted. "Since when does the Fatherland have its own _Scarface_ movie? I never heard of that, what the fuck?"

"Oh yeah," Hipster replied. "I traveled forward in time and stole the idea from the Americans. I brought it back home and we renamed it_ Mein-Face_. It only made a few hundred dollars in the box office so it doesn't surprise me that you never heard of it." Hipster then thought of something else which he felt he should probably bring up. "By the way, when are we planning on invading that dimension as well? I know we abandoned it but when we rebuild the Blitzkrieg we should go stomp some Colombian ass."

Heinrich quickly shook his head at this idea. "Nein! We must never go back there. I left that place for a reason. We came to a whole new dimension just so we don't have to deal with them. I know you all want to conquer their dumb asses as well but it just ain't happening."

"That reminds me," Goerface began. Heinrich rolled his eyes but allowed Goerface to continue speaking despite the fact that Heinrich hated the mere sound of his voice. "Are we going to have to kill the versions of ourselves that live in this dimension? That seems like the only way we could pull this off. I think our new Fuhrer will notice that there are two of each of us. Am I right?"

"I don't think that's true," claimed Ribbentramp. "We escaped our dimension so wouldn't that mean that the versions of ourselves who live here have already left just like we have? So if that's the case, won't they be in another dimension where the native versions living there are also leaving and I'm saying this here, but I'm also saying this over in those other dimensions and..."

"_Shut the fuck up_," Heinrich screamed. "You're making mein brain hurt!"

* * *

Jason was quietly standing by himself outside of Red Base. He watched a few of the crazed berserker chickens attacking a random rock on the ground because they thought it moved earlier. It was clear to him that these birds were only looking for blood. He could not find anything wrong with such a thirst seeing as how his thrill came from killing rich collage kids.

He kept his eyes on the chickens until he spotted Sarge running up to him. "Jason," he called out before coming to a stop right in front of the psychotic American horror movie icon. "Have you seen Simmons? I know he was having back problems earlier so I gave him some steroids and some painkillers. I went back to the base awhile ago to check on him and he was gone. Don't know where he ran off to. Have you seen him? I know you've been hanging out here all day."

Jason quietly shrugged his shoulders and shook his head which only disappointed Sarge. "Dagnabbit! I need him right now. I never told him this but when I was building Simmons 2.0, I installed a GPS in his crotch which hooked up to the printer I installed in his ass. I was really hoping to use it to locate Donut. What can I say, I'm getting worried about the little guy. He's just a confused lad. He doesn't know what he's doing out there, all alone against the cruel world! How will he survive without us, Jason!? Why must our little boy grow up so fast and just leave us in the dust!?"

As Sarge began crying, Jason slowly backed away. The mere thought of Donut being a child brought into the world by both he and Sarge was terrifying, even to Jason Voorhees. He then abruptly ran off when Sarge was distracted.

It took about fifteen minutes before Sarge finally stopped crying after realizing that not only had Jason left, but someone was walking up to him. "Hey, Sarge," a familiar and nerdy voice called out to him from afar.

"Simmons," Sarge stated but silenced himself as he noticed something different about Simmons. He was no longer wearing the maroon armor. He was now wearing a very vibrate shade of pink along with a matching armband. "Simmons, what the hell are you wearing," Sarge questioned in a surprised tone of voice.

"Sarge," Simmons began. "Please listen to me because I don't have a lot of time. I actually fought just to have the opportunity to warn you about something."

"I've been looking for you for a couple of hours, now just where the hell have you been," Sarge asked angrily.

"Just listen to me and I'll tell you, sir," Simmons pleaded. "After my spine magically fixed itself I went to take a walk. I went up into the caves just because I wanted to see something other than these hills for once and I stumbled on Donut. I actually found him! I hate to tell you at such a random time, but I've quit the Red Team. I officially resign. I'm now joining the Lightish-Redist Party. I came here to tell you that you need to dissolve your squad right now."

It took Sarge a few moments to truly process what Simmons was saying. "What exactly are you going on about?"

"Donut has built up an army of his own, Sarge," Simmons informed. "I don't know how he did it in such short time, but he did. He asked if I wanted to join so I accepted. He has tanks and airplanes, there's no way I'm gonna say no. Like I just said, I came here to warn you that by tomorrow, Donut's going to unify the canyon. He's going to annex both the Red and Blue teams. Then we're gonna find a way to go back home. I know you may not believe me but it's true. Ever since he left the squad, he's been preparing to return home. You still have the option to join us, Sarge. You, Grif, and Lopez can march up to the caves with me right now and enlist. Donut says you'll still keep your rank. Then you can help us fight the Blues. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"No," Sarge promptly replied. Simmons sighed as he had a feeling Sarge would react this way. "Simmons, I can't believe that as smart as you are, you took up an offer from fucking Donut of all people? How long is he even going to be in power before one of his cronies overthrows him? Then you'll be kicked out too if you're lucky. I don't think for one second that Donut is the type of person that can actively keep control over an army. Someone is going to smell his weakness and kill the poor kid. Because of this, I don't want to be involved with Donut in any way shape or form. From the sound of things, Donut is cooking up a recipe for disaster. I don't want to be anywhere near that little recipe and neither should you. Let him learn for himself. You'll see."

"Sarge, I'm begging you not to fight us," Simmons responded. "It will only end badly."

"I didn't say we're gonna fight you," Sarge muttered.

Simmons appeared to be visibly confused by this. "Wait, what," he questioned without the slightest clue as to what Sarge was getting at.

"I guess you didn't understand me when I said that I don't want any part of Donut's crazy scheme," Sarge insisted. "When I say I don't want any part of something, I mean I really don't want to be linked to it anyway. I'm not gonna fight Donut because you said it yourself, he's built up an army. That doesn't really surprise me for some reason. However, I'm also not stupid enough to join him because I know how risky it is. It just ain't worth it. I wish Donut the best, and you for that matter, but I don't want to join your little group. I hope he doesn't lose whatever war he finds himself in, because believe me when I say that he will find himself in one at some point or another. From what you've told me, Donut's been gearing up for something. I only hope that you win for the sheer fact that I know that losing a war is not a fun thing. That's all Donut is doing, he's playing a big game. It's all fun and dandy for him because he doesn't have the slightest clue as to what he's actually doing."

Simmons glanced over his shoulder before returning his attention to his former superior. "So, you're not gonna fight us?"

"Goddammit Simmons, that's what I just said isn't it? You go on back to your little hideout and tell Donut that the Red Team his officially neutral in this conflict. He can invade the other side of the canyon all he wants. He can string the Blues up by their toes for all I care. However, I refuse to engage in active combat with Donut's war machine. I'm proud of Donut," Sarge admitted. "I could never build up an army in record time complete with an air force and tank divisions. That shit is bad ass, I'll give him that but he won't be running the show for long. Now, by international law, you cannot invade our side of the canyon because we deny an alliance with your enemy, the Blues, or Donut himself. We're 100% neutral! So tell Donut to fuck off. We'll watch the show from back here but that's about it."

"But Sarge, you can't do that," Simmons argued. "Donut has to reunify the canyon. We'll fight you over it before we let you keep it divided. The Blues will soon be on our side too! Just join us and you're guaranteed superiority over them."

"Donut doesn't give a shit about the canyon," Sarge stated. "You just said he's trying to go back to earth. Why would he care about the canyon? All he wants is to take his army back home so he can do whatever the hell he wants. There's nothing to do here though accept for hide an entire war machine. That's all this place is to him. It's a temporary base of operations which is going to be abandoned and forgotten as soon as he gains the ability to travel back home. You really thing he's going to keep this place unified for long? And while we're on the subject, what the hell do you mean by unification? You mean I'm gonna be in the same militarily controlled zone as the Blues? If that's the case then Donut can kiss my patriotic red ass because that dog just ain't gonna hunt."

Simmons shook his head, positively repulsed by Sarge's plan to neither fight the pink machine nor work with it. "Sir, it's the only way for you to gain superiority over the Blues. If anything, do it for the team. We could go in there tomorrow blasting everyone into oblivion, but because there is a super small risk of eventually losing power for whatever reason, you're not going to involve yourself or the other Reds?"

"Ten four," Sarge insisted. "The fact of the matter is that this isn't our fight. Hell, this isn't even your fight Simmons. Right now, this is Donut's fight. You might as well come back here and get out of his way because people like you are only going to slow him down. Let him fight the Blues for us. I guarantee you he is after someone else if he's built an air force. He wouldn't build all of that if he was only trying to win the battle of Blood Gulch and then throw all of that stuff away, would he?"

"Ugh," Simmons groaned, signaling that he had given up on trying to preach reason towards Sarge. "Fine. You guys do what you want. I'll go tell Donut but I already know that he won't be too happy with you."

"That's cool," Sarge said dismissively. "Donut can be angry at us all he wants but we're not doing anything to him and therefore, he has no reason to invade this side of the canyon. We're gonna be more neutral than Switzerland, Simmons. You just tell Donut that and he'll back off. Donut officially has no right to step on this ground. There is no Casus belli between us, and therefore, no reason to fight. See you around Simmons. I hope you don't get yourself killed."

"Alright Sarge," Simmons sighed. "Have it your way."

* * *

Donut sat in his underground office with a large globe on his desk. His feet were kicked up on his desk in a relaxed manner while several other men were sitting around him. Those people would be Hermler, Hipster, Manfoot, Goerface, and Ribbentramp who were all here for the sake of finding something to do in the midst of Donut's rise to power. The pink Fuhrer reached over and span the globe around. It was already covered with lines and arrows which were most likely the plans for a planetary attack. "Soon, the time will come. Soon, it will all be _fabulous_," Donut said in a cheerful tone of voice. "We'll get rid of those commies. Ugh, communism is so out. It's not even last year its more like two years ago. The new thing is Lightish-Redism, and we're coming for you earth. Yay!"

"Yeah totally," Heinrich confirmed. "You go get those fashion disasters, mein Fuhrer. We're gonna bring a new wave to the human race. We're gonna set all the hottest trends from now on and look fantastic everywhere we go. It is clear that we, the Lightish-Redists are the most fashionable of all other peoples. Therefore, we have the best clothes and need to set an example for all of the out of date commoners. You are truly a genius mein Fuhrer, and very generous as well to be sharing your fashion secrets with the world."

Hipster abruptly crossed his arms and glared cynically at Hermler. "You are way too into this, Heinrich."

"What can I say," Hermler questioned with a shrug of his shoulders. "I'm a dedicated man."

"Bullshit," Manfoot snickered creepily.

Heinrich definitely took offense to this and quickly twisted around before wagging an irate finger at the insane doctor/cocaine tycoon. "Fuck off Manfoot before I shove this stylish military boot straight up your goofy ass!"

"You're right," Donut interrupted, clearly ignoring the argument which was taking place. Everyone stopped speaking and turned back to face him as he spoke. "I am a genus," Donut exclaimed with glee and an obviously growing ego. "I never realized how important I am to humanity. Without me, we would still be in the stone ages of fashion. We're gonna go back home and liberate everyone from their prisons of looking hideously ugly. We're gonna burn all Hawaiian shirts, tube socks, and tank tops. We will have an all new superior line of clothing which will never clash and always be in season!"

Hermann stood up and saluted by throwing his right arm into the air in a fabulous way. "Heil you, mein Fuhrer. You have saved us from a nearly inevitable era of communist fashion. Heil Donut!"

"You're so freaking right," Donut exclaimed. "Heil myself, bitches!"

"Mein Gott," Hipster whispered to himself. "When we roll across Europe, we are gonna look so freaking hot. They won't even know what hit them."


	7. Occupy Blood Gulch

_Note: Sorry this chapter took so long to release. I think I might have forgot to update it at one point which is really weird because I never forget to add a story to a certain time on my scheduled. Anyway, you can expect the next chapter to also take a long time. At the moment, I am working to finish two stories which only have ten chapters left in them. Once I finish those two I'll move this story up in the priority list and try to finish up production on it next._

* * *

**Occupy Blood Gulch**

Donut sat in his office in the caves while he stared at the globe with maniacal intent. A record of old German march music which had been dubbed over for 'Lightish-Red appropriate' lyrics was playing in the background. The song itself was titled _Donutlandlied_. It played loudly not only in his office but through speakers all over the canyon with the exception for the Red Team's side.

At the moment, the Donutreich as a whole was celebrating the victory over the... 'Communist Blue Scourge.' It took the Donutkrieg approximately eleven minutes to defeat the Blues. As Donut profiled him, General Church-hill, surrendered as soon as Donut's paratroopers touched ground on his roof. That, and constant firebombing from a wave of pink fighter jets was not helping the Blue cause.

It would also be a lie to say that all Donut gained out of this invasion was land. The DD or Donut-Daffel as was its full name, had been newly formed by Heinrich as of a few hours ago to help this expansion. The DD also recruited an army of genetically altered roosters which were randomly roaming around in the canyon. They placed them into their own regiment now called the DD-Hühner des Todes which is now under Heinrich Hermler's command. After all, he does have experience with chickens since he use to raise them on a farm.

He would enjoy his peaceful time listening to his new anthem only to be interrupted by a random office who entered his office and immediately saluted. "Heil, mein fabulous Fuhrer," the officer exclaimed and lowered his right arm.

"Heil _me_," Donut cheered in response. "Now, what can I do for you on this beautiful day of Lightish-Red supremacy!?"

"Mein Fuhrer," the officer stated. "You might not believe this, but some of our soldiers have just captured a spy! We found him sneaking around in the entrance to the caves. We believe he was up to..._ evil things_."

"A spy," the Fuhrer questioned. "What kind of spy?"

The officer pointed over his shoulder towards the door, signaling for Donut to follow him out of the room. "If you would just step this way, Mr. Hermler and Mr. Hipster are already interrogating him to find the truth. We don't know anything for certain yet but Hermler believes he is..." It took the officer a moment to say anything as Donut had made it protocol that states whenever someone gives him important information, they are to take a dramatic pause in order to build suspense. This would prove quite inefficient if their base was ever being raided, but none of the less, Donut thought it was cool.

However, it would appear that the officer took too long to make his reply since Donut himself was now growing impatient. "You may speak, soldier," Donut announced in his fake manly voice just to demonstrate how tough and in control he was.

"We believe he is an American pig," the officer finally informed in disgust. He then promptly turned his head and audibly spit as if he were trying to remove a bad aftertaste from his mouth. This was another annoying little rule Donut made up. Anytime someone used the term 'American pig' they were also suppose to spit in order to show their hatred for such people. Of course, this law was also very inefficient since most of Donut's supporters wore helmets 24 hours a day.

"An American pig," Donut asked in shock. He then spit in his helmet and stood up rather violently, knocking over a small figurine of himself which was positioned on top of a pink globe which illustrated his soon to be empire which consisted of literally everything. Even the arctic and antarctic regions were apart of his future Reich. "Well, let's go see what our new friend wants from us," Donut continued.

The officer saluted and gave a friendly nod to his supreme leader. "Mein Fuhrer! I must say, you must have really been working on your evil mastermind archetype," he complemented proudly. "You've improved so much since we first started the movement. You've gone from the joyful yet flamboyant douche bag we've all come to know and love, to being an evil genius. Your transformation has been so beautiful to witness," the officer informed as he wiped a tear from the glass of his helmet.

"Aw... thank you," Donut replied with embarrassment. "Now, stop kissing my ass. We have to go interrogate some commies so let's get to it!"

* * *

Sarge was sitting in a folding chair with his feet kicked up on a crate as he watched the bombardment of the Blue Base with joy. He had a beer in his hand. He had been saving it for this very moment when the Blues would have finally been run out of the canyon. However, he thought it was just as amusing to see them be crushed by a pink war machine.

He kept his eyes on a team of flamethrowers which were spraying fire in the open entrance area of the base. Sarge could not help but start laughing when artillery started hammering the base from out of nowhere. He had no idea where Donut was getting all of this equipment and he was definitely jealous but he was not too concerned with it at the moment.

Sarge was soon interrupted from his sadistic joy when Jason walked up to him silently and in that creepy way as he always did. "Oh, Jason," Sarge exclaimed and moved his feet off of the crate. "Did you come to see the show," he asked yet Jason remained quiet as expected. Sarge then leaned forward and moved the wooden lid off of the crate before pulling out another can of beer and tossing it to Jason who caught it on mere impulse. "Hey, don't tell anyone else about my stash. I don't want that orange little shit stealing any of my beer."

The Red Team's leader then kicked back in his seat once again. "Ah," he sighed out of intense relaxation. "I never could have thought the sound of death and destruction could be so zen and beautiful. Soon, the Blues will all be killed and we can have the entire canyon for ourselves."

Sarge then realize just how inaccurate his statement was. He quickly shook his head and slapped his right knee in frustration. "Aw... dagnabbit! I forgot, everything beyond our base is hereby occupied by Donut's regime. Ugh. Back in my day, we didn't have these gay Nazis. We just had regular Nazis and my god, they were fucking everywhere. I tell you one thing, Jason. If those Nazis ended up spreading to your neighborhood, that was it. You had to move because they were going to infest the entire area. We had to move outta good ol'Texas because it was eventually overwhelmed by the Nazi hordes! It looks like Blood Gulch will end up the same way but I don't give a shit! That's what's so awesome about playing the neutral card. All we have to do is sit back and watch those dirty Blues get fucked in the ass!"

* * *

Deep in a dark room of the caves which was only lit by a single bulb in the ceiling, Hermler and Hipster were busy with their interrogation of the so called American spy. Hipster sat on top of a desk with a single chopstick in his hand. He glared at the prisoner they had captured while Hermler was pacing the ground in front of the two. The prisoner himself was tied up against a wooden chair. He had blond hair and blue eyes and was extremely young looking. He also wore an odd set of armor which made him look as if he were straight out of the middle ages.

This young lad had not yet admitted to anything even though he had said many times that he would tell the Germans whatever they wanted. The only problem was Heinrich did not seem to be listening to this and decided to 'interrogate' him anyway and all Adolf did was hit him upside the head with the chopstick whenever he felt that the boy had not given proper information. It goes without saying, that this was proving to be a very tedious and almost unnecessary operation.

After a few more minutes of silent pacing, Heinrich decided he had enough of the spies games and came to a stop directly in front of him. He then grabbed him by the collar and shook him violently. "Talk you little bitch," he demanded which only caused the apparent spy to start whining at him. "Tell us where your friends are and we'll spare your life. Also, if you could give us the location of an undefended and unmonitored route Washington DC from here then we'd be most grateful."

"What are you talking about," the boy questioned, "who are you people!? Where am I and how did I get here?"

"He's playing dumb," Heinrich stated and backed away.

Adolf knew what to do. He gripped his chopstick tightly and hit the boy in the head with it repeatedly. "You like that," Adolf questioned, one could tell he was becoming bored with the interrogation just by hearing the tone of his voice. "If you don't talk I'll start hitting you with my other chopstick," he warned.

"Okay," the boy pleaded. "I'll tell you whatever you want to know but I don't know what half the questions you ask even mean! Can't you ask me something simpler? Like, I know what the color of the sky is but I don't know who this Donut guy is."

"Do you at least know your own name, dipshit," asked Adolf as he stopped hitting him with the chopstick.

"Yeah, my name is Jaune. Jaune Arc," the boy stated nervously.

"You son of a filthy whore," Heinrich exclaimed before he abruptly tackled Jaune at random, knocking him and the chair to the ground. Adolf rolled his eyes out of annoyance. He clearly was not having a good time. Adolf stood up from the desk and walked off to a corner in the room while Heinrich proceeded to interrogate Jaune.

"I should have known all along you were a Frenchman," Heinrich exclaimed. "This pathetic little man is about as cowardly as a Frenchman. We should have seen this coming those French fries have always been first to get in our business."

"What are you talking about," Jaune asked frantically but he received no answer. Instead, Heinrich stood up and ripped his visor cap off of his head where he proceeded to slap Jaune with it over and over again. Adolf was still standing off in the corner watching these events unfold with an extreme lack of interested in them. He sighed and crossed his arms as he leaned against the wall and waited patiently for Heinrich to finish throwing his little temper tantrum.

"Silence, you French scoundrel," Heinrich shouted as he continuously slapped Jaune with his hat. "I'll see to it that you never eat another croissant again! From now on you'll eat only sauerkraut and beans!"

"No," Jaune cried. "I hate beans!"

* * *

The Blue Team was completely done with fighting. Church attempted an initial surrender about an hour ago but Caboose ended up making the whole situation worse by accidentally shooting Church as he tried to negotiate with Andy. This would not be a problem if the gunshot did not spook several nearby DD troops into firing in a panic which resumed the firing up until now. At this point, Church had successfully agreed to an unconditional surrender with Andy and he was also able to tie Caboose up and throw him in the basement while he made his second attempt at diplomacy.

Now, the Donut-Daffel were busy raiding the base alongside the Donutmacht. The area was littered with abandoned parachutes which were brought in by soldiers of the Donutwaffe and served as one of the many reminders of how royally screwed the Blues were from the very beginning. The Blue team which only consisted of Church and Tucker at the moment since Caboose was still tied up and Sister ran for the hills to Red Base when the first shells went off. After all, she did not want to be apart of any of that. She would wait and return when the shooting was finished and hopefully everyone had killed themselves which was not the case but it was her original goal.

She was not the only one with this idea, in fact, Tucker tried to flee to the Reds but he decided to hide when he saw the planes of the Donutwaffe. He also considered defecting to the Lightish-Red side, but he figured he might get killed in crossfire if he were to poke his head out of the base even for an instant.

They were sitting against their tank which they had to deactivate which was an order straight from Donut's ambassador Andy. The only reason they looked up from the ground they were previously staring at was due to the loud music they were hearing in the distance.

"What the fuck is that," asked Tucker. "That's the weirdest music I've ever heard. It sounds like it's coming from a goddamn strip club."

"It's coming from over there," Church announced and pointed towards a rather fancy black car parked a few yards away from them. Church could see a few people inside but he could not recognize their faces.

"Let's go check it out," Tucker requested as he stood up. Church followed in his actions and did the same. The two then promptly headed over to the car which was producing the extremely loud German techno music.

The duo came to a stop just in front of the driver's door. Tucker leaned down and knocked on the window which caused the driver to turn and roll down the window. The man in the driver's seat was Ribbentramp of all people but Tucker and Church had no idea who he was, although, Church almost felt as if he had seen Ribbentramp's face somewhere before. He then tilted his head to see who was in the passenger's seat. He spotted Goerface, even if he was also another unknown person, Church definitely felt as if he had seen him before.

"Hey, who are you guys," asked Tucker over the sound of the music.

Ribbentramp did not stop nodding his head to the music just as his comrade was doing in perfect unison but he did open one eye in order to address them. "We came by to say that your first job as workers of the Donutreich is to clean up this area of the canyon by tomorrow. Otherwise the Fuhrer will be very upset with you."

"Wait, but it was you guys who burnt everything up and trashed my base," Church retorted. "You guys need to get your asses out of the car and clean it up for us."

Goerface rolled his eyes at the remark. Ribbentramp on the other hand snickered at Church and turned the volume on the radio down ever so slightly. "I seem to recall it being you who just got their ass destroyed within about fifteen minutes if you don't count that hour of ceasefire," Ribbentramp reminded.

"That means you motherfuckers are literally worse than the French," Goerface interjected. "At least it took us longer than a day to take them out. With you guys, our soldiers barely had a chance to test out some of the new equipment. In shorter terms, you guys suck ass! Now, get to work, losers."

With that, the vehicle sped away but it did not have a chance to leave completely. It came to an unexpected stop on the hill ahead of Blue Base and the back seat opened. A soldier in familiar purple armor then stepped out of the car and threw the door shut. The car then resumed its previous action which consisted of leaving the area in a stylish fashion.

Tucker lifted his right hand above his head to block out the glare from the sun above as he tried to focus his vision on the soldier who was now approaching them. "Holy shit, is that Doc," he asked in shock.

Church nodded his head but did not seem too surprised by the situation. "Looks like it. It doesn't surprise me though. They literally have Andy on their side even though he blew up a little while ago. That is the only question I have at the moment. How did the resurrect Andy?"

"A better question would be, why would they want to," Tucker corrected. Church could not argue with this but then again, there were a lot of strange things going on. For one thing, even though it came as no surprise, the Donutmacht was primarily consistent of drag queens and rejected German fashion designers rather than actual soldiers.

"Hey guys," Doc greeted and came to a stop just in front of the two Blue Team members. "Heil Donut," he continued cheerfully and lifted his right arm in the air only to lower it again. "I'm the new head of the medical department in the Donutreich. I'm here to treat the wounds of our soldiers so are either of you two injured anywhere?"

"Doc, how did you get mixed up in all this," inquired Church. He then thought of a better question and decided to ask that instead. "On second thought, what the hell is even going on. I woke up today only to find my base being surrounded by an army of pink dudes and like two tank divisions. Then they started shooting at us and they claim that Donut is their freaking leader. Who the fuck are these guys?"

"They are men of the Reich," Doc informed. "We all joined Donut because we believe in the Lightish-Red cause. Also, that reminds me. You'd better stop using the P word around here. It's an illegal and highly offensive term to use."

"What the fuck is the P word," asked Tucker. "You mean pussy? We didn't even say that."

"No," Doc replied. "Watch your mouth. The P word is pink. You must now by law, use the term Lightish-Red as it is now Lightish-Redist doctrine. Oh, and don't use that other P word because it isn't nice to say around kids. It's also derogatory and insults the Lightish-Redist party."

"Damn," Tucker sighed. "For a fascist group, you guys are really freaking sensitive. Is there anything else I can get my ass shot for saying?"

"You'll have to consult the manual for that," Doc replied.

"Manual," asked a confused Church.

"Yeah, Donut is currently writing a new manifesto on how citizens are to behave in our beautiful Reich. He's calling it, _Your Kampf_. It will be the best manifesto in all of Europe, or so I'm told, anyway."

"That's definitely an appropriate name," Tucker muttered. "Now, you just said that you were here to patch up all wounded soldiers and you asked if we are wounded but we're not on your side."

Doc shook his head in disappointment. Unfortunately, he would be the one to burst their bubble of denial. "Uh, you guys surrendered and your base is under military occupation. Your property is going to be seized by the DD until we inspect it for possible illegal stuff. You guys have also been officially drafted into the Donutmacht. Didn't our ambassador tell you about all of this?"

"Drafted!? Fuck you," Tucker exclaimed.

"Why are you so angry about it," asked Doc. "You're already a soldier. Now, you're just fighting for a different army. What's the big deal?"

Tucker nodded his head and shrugged his shoulders in submission. "I didn't think about it like that," he informed. "Yeah, you're right, I don't give a shit. I'll put on that stupid outfit if it means I get to do something other than stand around in this dull canyon all day."

Church glanced at Tucker before returning his attention back to Doc. He groaned and while he could not argue with Tucker's logic, he still was unsure about joining the regime even though he already had no choice in the matter. "What about the Red Team? Why are you guys not attacking them? I thought Donut left that base anyway. Why doesn't he launch an assault against them while he's got his men down here? All they'd have to do is turn around and start shooting."

"It's a little more complicated than that," Doc said in an unfortunate tone of voice. "The problem with the Reds is that they've declared neutrality and we don't want to look like the bad guys so we aren't going to attack them unless we have to but I doubt we ever will."

* * *

Donut finally entered the interrogation room. Jaune had been freed from his restraints and was now eating a sandwich which he requested since he had not had a single bite to eat since he was captured by the Germans this morning. Hermler and Hipster kept their eyes on him. Hipster was not really paying attention though while Hermler was watching him as if he was ready and waiting for Jaune to make a wrong move or something along those lines. In fact, Hipster was only pretending to look at him, in reality, he was playing a game on his Iphone 1945 model. It was a little know version of the popular smart phone, but he had one no matter how outdated it was.

The Fuhrer on the other hand, was standing in the back. He also had his eyes on Jaune just like Heinrich but he was far less suspicious than Hermler was just because Donut was... well being Donut. Eventually, Heinrich grew impatient with Jaune and slammed his fist on the table which caused Jaune to instinctively flinch.

"Just admit you're an American pig," he stated before turning his head and spitting on the ground. He then immediately turned back to Jaune as if nothing happened and pointed at him aggressively. "If you aren't French then you must be from America. I will crush your face with my boot of you don't start talking."

Adolf abruptly smacked him on the back of the head which caused Hermler's hat to fall to the table. "Shut up, Heinrich," Adolf nagged. "I'm trying to focus," he growled and returned to his game. On the screen, he touched an area which depicted what appeared to be a bird dressed in World War II regalia, similar to what the other officers of Donut's army were wearing. The bird also had very angry expression on its face. As soon as Adolf placed his index finger on the bird it saluted and shouted the phrase, "Sieg Heil!"

He then loaded the bird into a nearby slingshot and fired it at a red fortress on the horizon. "Destroy them," Adolf screamed loudly. At that point, he grabbed everyone's attention and Heinrich leaned in to see what he was doing.

"Oh, who are you playing against," Hermler asked.

"I'm playing Stalin," Adolf replied flatly, not taking his eyes of the screen. "He's kicking my ass right now with all of those damn cannon fodder units."

Hermler nodded and turned back to face Jaune with a death stare. "Alright then. If you didn't come from America, then where did you come from?"

"Dude, I don't even know what America is," Jaune argued. "I was walking through the forest, minding my own business when..."

"Who the fuck walks through a random forest and calls that business," Heinrich practically shouted but Jaune waved him away dismissively.

"Anyway. I came across this weird green portal. I walked through and I ended up in this canyon. I kept seeing all of these scary red soldiers walking around in this bunker so I left and came here. That's when you tackled me and tied me up," Jaune accused and pointed to Hermler.

Donut abruptly gasped at Jaune's statement. "Did you hear that," he questioned in shock. Hermler looked back to him while Hipster kept playing his little video game. "He said he came from the Red Base. That means he's a Red spy," Donut announced almost in excitement at the idea that he now had a reason to claim the Reds' side of the canyon. He had been looking for an excuse to invade ever since Sarge declared neutrality and now he had one.

Hermler was about to correct Donut but he was quickly interrupted. "I don't think..."

"That means they're no longer neutral," Donut continued. He then jumped in the air like a victorious cheerleader. "That means we get to go to war with them! _Hooray!_"


	8. The Problem with Pink

**The Problem with Pink**

The next day in the canyon would prove to be extremely quiet. The Donutmacht had firmly secured both sides of the canyon at this point. The Reds surrendered without a fight. Sarge was extremely surprised that Donut attacked regardless of their choice to remain neutral, but thanks to a certain blond headed boy, they too were dragged into Donut's campaign for a unified Blood Gulch.

Tucker had already turned coat to the Donutmacht as did Simmons. The Red Team had been reduced to nothing more than a group of sideline cheerleaders. The Blue Team on the other hand had been completely dissolved. At least Donut allowed the Red Team to stay as an 'official squad' but thanks to Sarge, Donut got the feeling that the Blues were communists and he would not stand for that in his canyon. He immediately ordered them to be dissolved before their 'communist magic' could be used against the fabulous new Reich.

Of course, Church, Sister, and Caboose all disappeared after the downfall of Blue Team. Donut probably should have started a manhunt in order to find them before they were able to cause trouble for his war machine, but he was too busy celebrating over his first two victories to even think about it.

At the moment, there was a massive ceremony going on in the middle of the canyon. A large force of Donutmacht troops carried lit torches around as they marched to Donut's new national anthem which he recorded last night with Heinrich on base and Hipster doing air guitar. It was important that the national music of the Donutreich be all new and 'funky-fresh' as he called it.

Simmons stood in front of what use to be the Red Team, now they were nothing more than a squadron of pink wearing conscripts. The most humiliating thing Sarge seemed to notice about this whole situation was that he was now a simple grunt whereas Simmons was placed in charge of the entire squad.

"Okay guys," Simmons stated and pointed to a clipboard in his hand which was decorated in glitter just as all supplies issued by the Fuhrer were. "Today, Fuhrer Donut wants me running an inventory check on everything you guys have in the armory. We're doing the same thing in what use to be the Blue Base, so don't feel offended again."

"You dumb ass," Grif complained. "You guys paraded through here yesterday and looted everything! I'd be surprised if there's a single spec of dust left in that armory! That's not to mention that you assholes took away all of our food too!"

Simmons shook his head with disappointment at Grif's outspoken comment. "You know, guys," he sighed. "We didn't have to let you people work for us. We could have just sent you off into the desert where you would walk until you drop dead. You should be grateful that you are taking part in Donut's grand plan! Soon, we'll be on our way to making better world and if you guys don't get on board with this, then you can't have any wealth or fame like the rest of us."

Ruby rolled her eyes at the obvious attempt to advertise Donut's ranks. "Mr. Simmons," she stated and glanced around nervously to see if anyone would back her up in her argument, but even Grif kept his mouth shut at this point. "Why did you betray us... or them," she asked, realizing quickly that she had virtually no role in any of this since she was not an official Red Team member.

"Because," Simmons pouted. "The Donutreich kicks serious ass, bro! Do you know how much Donut is paying me?"

"Where is he getting all of his money," asked Sarge.

This question seemed to cause Simmons a little more trouble when it came to answering it. "Um," he stated as he thought of a good way to inform the people of the situation.

* * *

Meanwhile, Josef Manfoot was busy at Blue Base, standing next to the green portal. A group of Colombian drug lords stood in front of the portal with several packages of 'white powder' in their arms. Manfoot was busy counting a large wad of cash they had just given him.

"Thank you, mein friends," he snickered in his standard creepy manner. "It was a pleasure doing business with you. Give Mr. Peppersauce mein regards."

* * *

Simmons shrugged off the thought and decided it would be best not to actually answer the question right away. "That's none of your business," he snarled. "Just hand over whatever is left in the armory over to the Donutmacht. You guys have till the end of the day until I come back to collect it so you'd better have your shit together."

"Okay, Christ," Grif shouted back and with that said, Simmons walked away. The group remained quiet only until they were certain that their new 'leader' had left earshot. Sarge then promptly flipped Simmons off while he had his back turned.

Grif sighed and turned to face his former commanding officer hoping that he would have some scheme in mind on how to deal with the pink menace. "Any ideas, sir? There has to be some way to escape this canyon without being detected."

Sarge kept his eye on Simmons as he ventured off towards the caves which was undoubtedly Donut's base of operations. While Sarge guess Donut did not want anyone to find out where his base was, since Simmons was not giving them any useful information. However, it was extremely obvious to Sarge that the caves are the place to go if one wishes to find the pink Fuhrer.

He suddenly snickered at Grif's question. "If you wanna head out into the unforgiving sandpit which surrounds our little home then go ahead. The only thing you'll find out there is pain, dehydration, obviously death, and..." Sarge suddenly caught on to what he, himself was trying to say. He then excitedly turned to face Grif. "Actually, that's a pretty good idea, Grif!"

Grif was quite surprised by Sarge's change in attitude. "_Really_," he asked in bewilderment, unsure as to whether or not his ears were playing tricks on him.

"Sure," Sarge muttered, his almost sarcastic tone making Grif even more suspicious. "After all, my primary goal even with the coming of our pink overlords is still the same. I'm gonna make sure you die one way or the other so get a move on. With any luck, you'll die in the next three days due to lack of water intake. In fact, you may just explode before that can even happen."

While Grif was about to question that last statement, Ruby interrupted him after remembering what it was that Sarge was referring to. "Oh," she exclaimed aloud. "Right, he could get hit by one of those huge artillery guns they were shooting off behind the canyon walls a few hours ago. Do you know why they were doing that, Mr. Sarge?"

"My only guess is that they were setting up perimeter defenses," Sarge replied. "They were probably just doing test fires to get use to the ranges on those guns."

"Why would they need set up a defense system," asked Grif. "This isn't D-Day. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere. As far as I know, keeping in mind that we've been on this dust ball for like... three years straight, I'm pretty sure we're the only lifeforms present. What could they possibly want to defend the canyon from?"

Sarge shrugged his shoulders at the question. "You're even more stupid than I thought if you think Donut won't try and conquer more than this hell pit. Christ, if I was him I would have already done everything in my power to get off of this rock and went off to kick some blue ass across the galaxy! Damn, why couldn't have been me to get this idea. I could rally an army just as fast as Donut! I could rally a better one!"

"Yeah right," Grif mumbled.

"What did you just say," Sarge questioned in a threatening tone of voice.

Grif let out a sigh before turning around and walking back toward the entrance to Red Base. Sarge naturally became rather confused by his actions. "Hey! Where the hell are you going, dickweed?"

"Somebody has to assassinate Donut before he grows too powerful..." Just when Grif said this, he and his comrades were cut off by a rumbling in the distance. Everyone turned to face the opposite end of the canyon.

Even Lopez and Yang walked up to the edge of the roof after spending hours working on reconfiguring the portal just to see what was causing this disturbance.

The group remained silent as they spotted an enormous mech stomping around in the desert along the horizon just past the canyon wall behind Blue Base. It had two legs, a pair of arms with what appeared to be massive chain guns for hands and a pair of equally intimidating rocket launchers on its shoulders. It stood around thirty stories tall and would tower over most small office buildings.

This stomping was not the only thing they could hear. Somewhere off in the distance, the group listened to the abrupt sound of Donut's maniacal laughter as this leviathan of a mech marched around in the desert. "Yes," he screamed, his voice echoing throughout the area. "With this beautiful weapon of mass destruction, no one will be able to stop me from taking over the entire universe! Now go forth and crush our enemies without mercy!"

Nobody moved a muscle until the stomping slowly subsided and the monstrous contraption of death walked off so far in the desert that nobody from this angle could see it. Sarge then turned back to face Grif who appeared to be stunned by the sight. "So... you wanna get on that? Hell, you're welcome to borrow my rifle."

Grif quietly shook his head at the remark. "Thanks but no thanks. I think I'm just going to go to my room and lye down for awhile. If Donut enslaves all of mankind then... well, I tried."

* * *

Meanwhile, Church could be found with the only members of Blue Team which did not turncoat and join the massive pink horde which was now flooding the canyon. That, of course, being everyone except Tucker.

The last remnants of the Blue Team were located directly underneath their base, in that new annex which was added by Shelia some time ago. They were currently hiding behind a few storage crates in the back and were extremely lucky that nobody had checked this section of the base yet. Then again, Tucker had been left in charge of hunting them down so that in of itself was an advantage for Caboose, Church, and Sister.

"Did you hear that stomping," Sister asked with a rather loud tone of voice, Church tried to quiet her but it was no use at this point. "There's probably a hundred tanks out there looking for us! I can't wait until those soldiers finally capture us. I bet they're all super hot and needy. Maybe they'll choke me!"

"_What_," Church questioned in astonishment. He quickly wiped that last statement out of his mind and looked to Caboose. "I can't believe it, but you might be the only person who understands this situation."

"Yes," Caboose stupidly agreed. This immediately put Church on guard. A moment of silence quickly took hold over the group for a brief moment before Church spoke out once again.

He let out a long and hopeless sigh before continuing his speech. "Ah-huh," he muttered with cynicism. "So you are completely aware of what's happening? The pink guy from Red Team is trying to take over the world. He's probably being manipulated by those oddly familiar German dudes who moved into the canyon not too long ago, and if we don't try and stop them then we'll basically be enslaved by the world's most fabulous dictator. Do you understand how serious this situation is?"

This time Caboose took a few minutes to figure out the answer he felt most comfortable giving. He glanced around the room in a dumb manner before answering. "No... No I do not."

"Goddamn you people," Church hissed. "Alright, here's my plan. We find a way to get Donut alone and bribe him not to start World War III! Then we have him kick out all of those weird cultist dudes in pink robes I keep seeing around the place and dismantle his own war machine. What do you think?"

"Um," Sister interjected comically. "Great plan and all but what would we bribe him with? You're trying to talk him out of sending his armies to earth which is what I assume he's doing, so you might need to be extremely convincing."

"I realize that," Church snapped. "Come on... What does someone like Donut want more than anything? I don't think it is too likely that I can hook him up with his own reality TV show or anything like that. I know it's kind of hard to top the possibility of world domination, but this is also Donut we're talking about!"

Caboose then suddenly felt the urge to chime in on this conversation. "Maybe he just wants a friend! We should give him a group hug! All Mr. Fuhrer Donut wants is attention. He might also want a closet full of gnomes to nit all his clothes for him. I always wanted an army of gnomes but Santa never brought them. He never visited me that much."

Church was about to respond to this before remembering that it was useless to reason with Caboose. He really did not want to delve into the swirly maelstrom of insanity which was his teammate's mind in a time like this. He decided to just nod his head and ignore Caboose from that point on.

"Maybe this isn't my best plan but there is nothing else I see in the realm of possibility. If you two wanna run upstairs and fight off Donut's army then go ahead, but I'm going to wait for a proper way to deal with him."

"Implying that either of us even cares enough to stop him," Sister interjected.

Church signed once again. This whole situation was already beginning to prove rather hopeless to him and his two comrades were not helping the matter.

* * *

Deep in the caves where Donut's primary headquarters had been set up, Josef Manfoot was working on some hideous experiment in a dark room. A single flickering light hung from the ceiling and illuminated the medical table which was situated in front of him.

Manfoot continuously operated on whatever this experiment was with loud power tools which only paled in comparison to the sound of his insane laughter. "Oh, I bet you like it," he stated joyously. "You know you love it when I pull out the crazy science! You probably didn't see this coming! I'm gonna make you mein bitch!"

Just when Manfoot was really getting into his experiment, he nearly leaped out of his skin when he heard a knock on the metal door behind him. "Come in," he harshly shouted and shut off the drill he was previously working with.

The metal door quickly slid open and in stepped Donut's right hand man, Doc. The only person who was not dressed in a fully pink uniform apart from the band around his right arm just to fit in with everyone else. Doc nervously looked around the room before speaking out for himself on why exactly he stopped by.

"Um... what's going on," he cautiously questioned, almost fearing a possible answer. "I heard screaming in here and wanted to make sure everyone was okay. So... are they?"

"Yeah, sure," Manfoot dismissed. "I'm just minding mein own business, making a new abomination of science so that we may unleash this horror on the battlefield to harvest and obliterate the souls of all those who dare stand against us," he said in a nonchalant manner.

Doc did not say anything at first. He curiously scratched the back of his helmet, unsure if he should talk a little more on that subject or just walk away and never look back. "Sounds fun," he finally muttered before slowly backing out the door he originally entered in. The door slid shut after he left and Manfoot returned to whatever it was he was doing.

* * *

The purple wearing medic soon returned to the head office at the deepest area of the caves where Donut and Andy were busy plotting the next wave of what Andy was now calling, _'Diplomatic Warfare.' _Donut was previously outside watching his new prototype mech destroy just about everything in sight. However, he retreated back to his main office after remembering that he had a few things to clear up with his chosen diplomat.

Doc slowly entered the room and Donut waved at him as soon as he spotted his comrade. "Hey man," Donut cheerfully exclaimed. "I haven't heard from you all day! Did you see the new giant robot thing Heinrich made for us!? It's freaking awesome! That thing is going to totally win us the inevitable war which is inevitable because everyone around us are complete jerks. By the way, did I mention the war is inevitable and in no way my fault?"

"Okay," Doc murmured confusedly. "Just wanted to see if there was anything I could do? Nobody's given me an assignment since we took over the canyon and its kind of boring to be totally useless. So is there anyone injured that I can painlessly guide into death... uh, I mean heal?"

"Nah," Donut replied casually. "We've already got people working on that. Hey! I have an idea. Why don't you go downstairs and check on our prisoner? See if you can't get some more information out of him about that other world he keeps talking about. I'd like to spread the beauty of lightish-red to all corners of the universe."

"I guess I can do that," Doc nervously responded. "You're talking about that Jaune guy right? The one with the blond hair. I thought we killed him already. Did we not?"

"I don't think so," Donut stated. "Andy? Did we feed Jaune to Sarge's radioactive fighting roosters yet or was that rescheduled?"

The stagnant bomb grumbled at the thought of not being able to explode near that annoying teenager as of yet. "No," he snarled. "Although I should have blasted his ass to the fucking moon by now! Come on, mein Fuhrer! Let me blow some shit up! I would be a great addition to the army of mechs you're working on. Seriously, they could launch me through a cannon or some shit. That would be freaking awesome!"

Donut nodded his head at the idea. "Perhaps one day," he admitted. "But for now I need you to run diplomacy. I know you hate it but think about how much more fun it will be when we randomly do declare war on them. Then you can blow up who ever you want."

"Now that's more like it," Andy insisted gleefully as he thought of all the innocents he could incinerate with a single detonation.

* * *

While Donut and his henchmen continued to plot what was obviously a plan for universal domination to prove lightish-red supremacy over all colors in the light spectrum, Lopez worked nonstop for several hours on the portal. He desperately tried to reset the coordinates for the same location it locked on when teleporting both Ruby and Yang to this location.

Yang watched from a distance as he worked away at attempting to relocate that specific zone. She had assumed he was just doing it to send her home, but Lopez was not exactly known for doing things out of the kindness of his heart. She remembered seeing a couple of those soldiers in pink suits talking to him earlier but she had no idea what they told him. Regardless, she waited patiently for the green doorway to another dimension to reopen and take her home. It would be a lot better than getting involved with whatever was going on here.

Eventually, she grew bored with the silence. Forgetting that Lopez does not speak English, she thought it would be a good idea to spark a conversation with him for the sake of learning a little more about this new and horrifying world.

"So, do you have any idea why my sister and I were dragged here? Really, out of all of the things that contraption could have zapped here and it grabbed me. I disappeared right in front of my friends." She suddenly grinned in a sadistic manner and almost chuckled at the mere thought. "I bet they freaked the hell out. What I would give to see the looks on their faces right now."

"Purely a coincidence," Lopez muttered, not really caring that she could not understand him. "Something had to come through from the other side. If not you then someone or something else. Either way, it's way better than that time I almost ported an entire black hole into the canyon. Sarge would've been pissed."

Before Yang could formulate a response, she was interrupted by the sound of someone calling out to them from the canyon floor. "Lopez! Lopez, hows the teleporter thing coming along!?"

The Spanish robot sighed and stood up. He and Yang turned around to see one of Donut's soldiers walking up the ramp. While he was a complete stranger to Yang, Lopez immediately and unfortunately recognized this pink loving soldier to be Tucker.

"Go away," Lopez ordered but this demand fell on deaf ears. The cyborg let out a painful sigh as Tucker walked past Yang without so much as glancing at her. He would have lunged at her by now had he have not already learned that she, like her sister, was just a year too young. This had already made Tucker so irritated that he vowed not to so much as glance at the next woman to be dragged into the canyon via Lopez's insane teleporter.

Tucker tilted his head at the extremely advanced device before turning back to face Lopez. "Bro! How far along is it? The Fuhrer doesn't have a whole year to spare just because you're moving like a snail."

"I've been working all day without a break," Lopez muttered.

"No excuses," Tucker snapped as if he actually knew what Lopez was saying. "Just get the damn thing working. It's currently the only way off this rock. Seriously, it's not like we can build rockets now after we spent this month's budget on those huge mechs. Plus, we don't have access to... _free labor_, except for you so hurry it up."

With that said, Tucker walked away, his ego growing with every moment that he was in charge of all those who did not volunteer for Donut's forces.

"I fucked your mother," Lopez snapped but was once again ignored.

Tucker was about to walk off without another word to be said, but Yang decided to ask a rather important question. "Excuse me, but why do you guys need the teleporter? Don't you all live here," she questioned, desperately hoping that they had no interest in her home world.

Tucker glanced over his shoulder in a cocky fashion. "You're too young to understand," he so wittingly said. Yang could tell he was smirking at his own snarky comment from underneath his helmet. "Why don't you put two and two together," he suddenly asked. He was obviously not going to outright tell her Donut's plans, but he at least thought it would be fun to tease her with a hint. "We don't have rockets so we need to teleport our armies to different locations and I doubt we're doing that to go to a tea party on the moon... _See ya!_" Tucker then skipped off into oblivion, leaving Yang to irritably watch him as he scampered away and Lopez to return to his work on the teleporter.

"I bet he use to be a nice guy," Yang remarked.

"Nope," Lopez replied without so much as a single hint of hesitation. "He was always an asshole. They all are."


	9. Donutmourne

**Donutmourne**

Simmons hid himself away toward the back of the canyon just behind Red Base. When he and Tucker were not busy with their normal military duties which only ever consisted of simply standing around and looking intimidating, he was either bullying his former teammates or hiding as he was currently.

"Who's got the biggest dick around," he asked himself quietly to ensure he could not be heard. "You've got the biggest dick! Grif and Sarge don't know what they're talking about. Donut chose you to be the new leader of Red Team! Why? Because I've got the biggest dick out of all of them."

A casual voice interrupted the little pep-talk he was giving himself which caused Simmons's blood to run cold with embarrassment. "Really," Grif questioned from behind. "Donut would know something like that?"

Simmons swiftly turned around and glared at Grif through his helmet. "What are you doing, grunt," Simmons questioned, intentionally deepening his tone to make himself appear more intimidating. "You should be working. Who gave you permission to take a break?"

"Nobody," Grif snapped. "Nobody's given us any orders, and where the hell is Donut!? I keep overhearing talk that he's not even in the canyon anymore."

"Calm down, grunt," Simmons dismissively ordered. "Your Fuhrer has bravely set off for a dangerous trip to the North Pole on a super secret mission. You can tell your fellow slaves.. uh, I mean soldiers to go about your normal business until he gets back."

Grif tilted his head at the answer. For a moment, he was content with calling that rumor a complete lie. "Wait a minute! You mean Donut actually went to the North Pole? Does this planet even _have_ a North Pole? Granted, I've never been outside of this canyon, but I was always under the assumption that this is an all desert planet."

Simmons nervously glanced over his shoulder. He appeared unsure of all the details of Donut's new plan. "Oh," he shouted. "So just because the planet is mostly desert it can't have a couple of ice caps? I guess by your standards, Mars is just an anomaly, right? Grif, you need to check your privilege and show respect to the parts of our galaxy who aren't as fortunate as our own. Now, get back to work!"

* * *

Sarge ran up the narrow ramp that would lead him to the roof of his base. A bright green lights and sounds of horrified screams drew his attention. He stopped dead in his tracks when he reached the roof.

Yang and Ruby sat on the edge as they have been doing for the past two hours, although now, their attention was drawn towards the portal behind them rather than the mayhem in the canyon below. Lopez on the other hand was not nearly as calm about whatever it was that just happened. He stood in a combat ready stance with his assault rifle aimed directly at the portal even though it was completely shut off.

"What's going on here," Sarge question before pulling out his shotgun. "Did something happen? Was there an attack!? _Did Grif fuck something up?_" Somehow, that mundane idea managed to annoy Sarge the most, just by thinking of it.

Lopez grumbled to himself at the sound of Sarge's voice shouting at him from afar. "Well, no shit something happened, old man! Not that you would even understand what I'm saying."

Naturally, Lopez was proven right as always. Sarge simply ignored Lopez's incomprehensible words and shifted his attention towards Ruby and Yang. "Girls? What just happened up here? I was gone for five minutes and I can already smell a problem."

"I don't know," Yang replied with a concerned shrug. "I was just watching that giant pink robot on the hill smashing stuff and I heard Lopez freak out."

Ruby nodded her head, confirming that not even she had any clue as to what happened. "I think something came to out of... whatever that green field is," Ruby proclaimed. "Lopez started shooting everywhere and he immediately shut down that green thing."

"Something did come through the portal," Lopez exclaimed, instantly forgetting that no one could understand him. "It was so fast I couldn't even shoot it. I didn't get a good look at it but I'm pretty sure it had horns."

Sarge growled lowly in frustration. He then ran off towards the back of the base and scanned the surrounding area for a certain individual. "_Grif_," he called out. "Grif, where the hell are you!?"

"Down here, sir," a familiar voice shouted from directly underneath Sarge.

As confusion swelled up inside him, Sarge looked down in an attempt to figure out where that voice came from. He tilted his head at the sight of Grif standing on the canyon floor only a few feet away from the wall of the base.

"Oh, there ya are," Sarge insisted. "Grif, I need you to secure the area. While it hasn't been confirmed, I think Lopez let something horrible out of the portal."

Grif groaned in disgust. "Again!? Why can't you people just stop messing with that thing? Why hasn't Donut's forces dismantled it yet? Lopez is going to get us all killed if he keeps screwing around with that thing."

"Lopez is about to uncover the secrets of the universe," Sarge claimed, having only just made that up a second ago. "He's doing great things, unlike you! Now, go find a gun and secure the base. I've got enough to deal with already. The last thing I want is some alien creature from another dimension lurking around here, ready to shove a probe up my ass!"

"Fine," Grif retorted in a defeated tone. "But can I at least have someone backing me up? What are you guys doing up there that's so damn important!?"

Sarge snickered at Grif's ludicrous question. "Back up," he asked with obvious sarcasm. "Hell no! I actually want you to die! That's why I'm sending you in alone. Oh, and take this."

Grif was barely able to catch a random object Sarge abruptly dropped down upon him. He grasped it in his hands only to find out it was a red cell phone. Grif looked up to Sarge without a single clue as to why his crazy superior gave this to him. "_What_? What is this?"

"It's my phone, dumb ass," Sarge snapped. "In the event that something actually is out here, and you find it. I want you to record your screams of agony on it. It'll be my new ring tone! Just don't get any blood on it. That's the newest model and I paid good money for it! Now, go out there and find whatever out-world aberration Lopez unleashed in our world this time. I'm gonna go talk Donut's guys and ask if they've seen anything suspicious in the past... two minutes."

* * *

Meanwhile, Fuhrer Donut sat at his desk deep within the Blood Gulch cave system. Hermler and Goerface sat in a pair of chairs on the other side of his desk while about five guards stood off in the background.

Hermler let out a girlish giggle before finally piercing the silence. "Mein Fuhrer! You said you were going on an expedition to the frozen north to claim a mighty weapon for the Donutreich! Did you find it already? Can I see it?"

Donut rolled his eyes from underneath his vividly pink helmet. "No, I don't have it," he pouted and crossed his arms in annoyance.

At this point, Goerface had to interject. He was the only person so far who had no idea why Donut left the canyon just to find some hidden weapon. "What kind of weapon were you looking for exactly? It must have been pretty promising for you to go all the way up north for it."

"It was a sword," Donut flatly replied.

This response caught Goerface off guard. He sat up, completely discarding the aura of relaxation that previous enveloped him. "A sword," he questioned in astonishment. "That's it? A fucking sword!?"

"Not just any sword," Hermler corrected with a sly grin on his face. "No, my friend. This is a very important sword," he insisted. Hermler then gave Donut a confident wink. "Perhaps you should explain it to him, mein Fuhrer."

"Yeah, okay," Donut sighed with a severe lack of enthusiasm. "Apparently, there's a super cool sword built by an ancient race long ago. As the story goes, they were locked in a massive war with other aliens, or something. They had nowhere else to turn so they made a bad ass sword. It was crafted from the anger and hatred of a race long forgotten. It was designed to be all powerful and consume the souls of anyone it strikes. So, obviously! When Manfoot found out about where this thing was hidden, he was like, 'Donut! Oh my God! We must find this sword!' So, that's why I took that huge force up north with me."

Goerface nodded his head ever so slowly just to confirm that he was following all of the madness coming out of Donut's mouth. "_Okay_," he said with intense hesitation. "Then what happened? If you knew where it was then why don't you have it now?"

Hermler perked up as soon as this question was asked. "Yeah, I was just about to say the same thing. What happened on the expedition?"

Donut curiously tilted his head at the two individuals in front of them after realizing that he probably did not explain the situation properly. "Oh, I just don't have it on me," he clarified, much to the surprise of his subordinates. "Yeah, it's not here but it will be in another three to four business days. I found it, but long story short, I had to pay a crap ton just to get FedEx to ship it out here."

"Wait, you're having it shipped here," Hermler asked with a shocked expression. "You mean they have no problem mailing us an ancient blade cursed to forever consumed the souls of those who are slain by it?"

"It was a whole bunch of drama but FedEx agreed to do it," Donut reassured. "Those guys are so sweet! They even said they would wrap a little bow around it and cover the box in lightish-red glitter! The only problem there is that I think one of the guys who was wrapping it accidentally cut himself on the blade. The injury, thankfully, wasn't fatal but he was driven insane by coming into physical contact with the sword."

"Then why are you in such a bad mood, today," Hermann questioned sympathetically.

"The whole trip was infuriating," Donut complained. "We got there and it was colder than we thought. Our fabulous latex jackets were actually causing more problems than they solved. _Then_, we got ambushed by an army of spider people and these guys were super pissed. I think they were just jelly of our jackets, but we were able to defeat them after meeting up with a group of midgets."

While both Hermler and Goerface desperately wanted to stop Donut's insane story, they both refrained from asking all of the questions formulating in their minds just to see where their supreme leader was headed with his rant.

"These guys were apparently looking for the same sword so I asked if they wanted to join our ranks," Donut continued. "Their leader said they would help us find it, and so we started exploring. Then, a bunch of demons from Hell started invading and the midget guy led me into a cave where we found the sword, and it was so pretty! It was all lightish-red and it sparkled. It was the most fabulous thing I had ever seen! Then that short guy has to come and ruin it all. He kept talking about these weird symbols on the pedestal it was floating which apparently said something along the lines of... 'He who wields this blade will become the most fabulous in all the land, but will be cursed with... something.' I can't even remember the specifics."

Heinrich shrugged his shoulders in consideration. "That sounds to me like a fair trade-off," he admitted truthfully. "You sell your soul to an evil blade which in turn provides you with all the power and glamour in the world. Besides, you're a consenting adult. You know how to read! What's the problem?"

Donut furiously nodded at Heinrich's argument. "I know, that's what I said, but this guy just kept pestering me. He kept saying to just lead my men home and forget about what I saw here, and I'm trying to explain to him that flying all the way out to the uncharted northern regions of a planet as forsaken as this was not cheap. I didn't come here for nothing, am I right?"

"Flights aren't cheap these days," Goering agreed. "That guy needs to check his privilege before he goes around criticizing others."

"I know," Donut groaned in response. "Anyway, I argued with this guy for a good five minutes before I picked up a random block of ice and bashed him over the head with it. I took the sword, we killed all those demons, and then chased off that band of midgets, but then! I lost it!"

Heinrich slowly shook his head in disbelief. "How could you possibly lose an artifact like that?"

Donut lowered his head in an obvious display of disappointment in himself. "I let this guy borrow it, and it turned into this whole thing. I had to get it back but that turned into a bunch of drama. So, I stole the blade from him, destroyed his entire kingdom and murdered everyone in sight, so Pinkmourne was able to eat a whole bunch of souls before the long FedEx trip home which was... _again_, lots of drama. Thankfully, we got it all resolved and it should arrive sometime this week. In fact, next Monday should be the very latest. I'm expecting it by Friday."

"Well, at least everything got sorted out," Heinrich remarked, smiling diabolically at all the future worlds they would conquer with such a powerful sword.

Goerface nudged his elbow in excitement after that optimistic statement was said. "Good point. You make a very good point. With a weapon like that on our side, we could easily crush all who oppose us. I do have one question, though. You said Pinkmourne, just a second ago. Is that the name of the sword? Don't you think that is a little offensive."

"Yeah," Donut sighed. "I'm gonna change it. I didn't come up with that name. Pink is way too offensive to be used by our regime. Besides it isn't pink, its lightish-red! I guess I'll call it Lightish-redmourne from now on."

"What about _Donutmourne_," asked Hermler. "That's a way better name. It rolls right off the tongue."

Donut's mood suddenly turned completely around when that mere word was mentioned. "Yeah! Donutmourne," he cheered with glee. "That name is way cooler, and it highlights just how fabulous I am to have a cursed sword named after me. Alright, Donutmourne it is!"

And just like that, yet another weapon was added to Donut's massive arsenal. From giant mechs to cursed swords that steal souls, it would appear that Donut had it all.

* * *

Grif had a considerable amount of trouble getting his hands on a weapon after the Red Team was disarmed following their surrender to Donut's forces. Most of the remaining teammates were returned their weapons after 'earning' Donut's trust by simply doing nothing after their defeat, but Grif was not so fortunate. Especially after Sarge made up some story about Grif plotting against the Fuhrer of all things lightish-red. However, after some convincing, he was allowed to receive a single pistol and one clip of ammunition from the Donutmacht.

Fortunately for him, he was not alone on this mission as much as Sarge wanted him to be. Tucker was assigned to keep an eye on him while he patrolled the base. Of course, the only person who was not exactly thrilled about this, aside from Sarge, was Tucker himself.

"This is so stupid," Tucker complained as he followed Grif into the interior of Red Base which was oddly dark for some unknown reason. "I get back from that stupid expedition at the crown of the world and now they lay this shit on me!? Whatever, lets just make this quick. My ass is still thawing out, and I'm pretty sure I need to get checked for frostbite before a certain part of my body falls off. Ya know... the part I use the most? The part the ladies love!? _Bow-Chicka-Bow-Wow!_"

"Ugh, you're so charming," Grif replied sarcastically. "Simmons was telling me about that trip you guys took. What was it all about?"

"Can't tell you, dude," Tucker replied in a dismissive tone of voice. "That information is totally classified. Besides, you honestly wouldn't want to know even if I could tell you. Even I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck happened up there."

Grif had no idea why he even asked. It was obvious they were not about to give any specifics to someone Donut did not trust in the least. Instead of pressing for information, he simply moved on with the hopes of ending this mission as fast as possible. He and Tucker definitely made a good team due to the motivation provided by their own mutual laziness.

They entered the main room of Red Base. The lighting was extremely poor, so much so that Tucker was forced to turn on the miniature flashlight attached to his assault rifle. "Damn, would it kill you guys to turn on a light in here?"

"I was in here just an hour ago and the lights were all on," Grif retorted. "We always leave them on until it's time for bed. What the hell? Maybe something did come through the portal and it's fucking with the wires or something."

Upon hearing this, Tucker immediately stopped in his tracks and nervously started checking every corner of the room. "Come on, man," he stated fearfully. "Don't screw with me like that! It was probably just the portal itself that messed up the lights, right? Doesn't it do this all the time? I'm sure that thing isn't very economical, anyway."

"Shockingly enough, our power bill has gone down ever since Lopez started messing with the teleporter," Grif admitted, much to Tucker's dismay. "I'm not sure if that's what caused the cut in prices or if the bill companies already know about the massive pink army you joined and don't want to piss anyone off for fear of causing an intergalactic war."

The two of them continued their search through the main room in silence. Although, their choice of approach to this situation was more akin to simply standing around and staring into the darkness rather than actually searching the place. This process of doing nothing continued for another couple of minutes until something caused Tucker to nearly jump out of his skin.

Without any clear reason, the lights began to flicker on and off. Tucker abruptly fired his rifle and stumbled to find the exit behind him. "Fuck this shit," Tucker exclaimed.

Tucker's reaction easily scared Grif far more than a few flickering lights. He jumped back and aimed his weapon ahead of himself in an attempt to assist Tucker in killing whatever he was shooting at. "What the hell are you shooting at," he screamed as he swiftly scanned his surroundings, unable to locate what was causing Tucker's distress.

"This is some paranormal shit, man! I'm outta here," Tucker shouted back before promptly turning around where he proceeded to run straight out the base and clear across the canyon without looking back.

It was only then when Grif figured out what was scaring his partner so badly. "Goddammit," he sighed. "Its just a couple of bad light bulbs! They haven't been changed in years! Get your ass back here!"

At this point, it was no use. Tucker was nowhere to be seen and Grif did not expect him to come back down this way for some time. "Damn him," he grumbled. "Well, I guess I'm on my own."

With that, Grif casually turned around to continue his patrol. However, as soon as his attention was returned to the room beyond, he leaped with terror and fell into a sitting position at the sight of an ominous figure standing just past the range of the dim lights overhead. Luckily, Grif was able to quickly figure out what, or rather, who this figure belonged to. He immediately recognized the purple armor and pink band around his right arm.

"Doc!? _Doc_, is that you!? What the hell are you doing in here?"

"Sorry about that, Grif," Doc replied with a comical snicker. "I've been waiting in here for a good while, now. Ten hours to be specific. I was hoping to get the jump on you guys, but I didn't mean to scare you that badly. I didn't think he would have heart attack due to the lights alone."

"Well, as you can see," Grif nagged. "It did! Now, I'm out of backup. Was it you who screwed with the teleporter? You've got Lopez and the others kind of freaked out as well, and what did you do the lighting in here? Why is it so damn dark?"

Doc scratched his helmet in confusion. He seemed to have no idea what Grif was going on about even though he just claimed to have been hiding in the base for most of the day. "I was the one to mess with the lights while you guys were outside, but I don't know anything about the portal. I thought Donut wanted you guys to stop messing with it and fix it so that we could move our forces back to earth. I heard some loud noises a little while ago. Is that what you're referring to? I'm guessing Lopez hasn't done what he was ordered to do yet, right?"

"Look, I don't know anything about the status of the portal," Grif retorted out of sheer frustration. "I'm not sure what they're doing so if you thing they might be doing something they're not suppose to, then talk to Sarge. Not me. All I know is they think something came through the portal and they wanted me to make sure the area is secure. Have you seen anything suspicious?"

Just when Doc was about to deny this, the two of them jumped at the sound of a loud thud off in the left side of the room.

"What did you do," Grif cynically inquired as the two simultaneously turned in that direction. From their vantage point, they could see virtually nothing.

"I didn't do anything, I swear," Doc argued. "I'm right here. You were watching me this whole time how could I have done that?"

Grif slowly aimed his pistol towards the narrow corner where noise came from. It was dark enough in that area for something to hide without him seeing it from his current angle. "Cover me," he whispered and glanced in Doc's direction.

"Cover you," asked Doc. "With what? My medical gun? Do you want me to heal the intruder after you shoot him?"

Grif groaned in irritation. He should have expected this from someone like Doc. "You're so damn useless," he mumbled. He then started off towards the other side of the room, never lowering his pistol for a second. "I should have just asked Jason to come along with us. He's not afraid of anything aside from shitty Hollywood sequels."

Before Doc was about to respond to his comment, he was interrupted once again by another strange occurrence.

"_Don't shoot_," a frightened feminine voice requested from the shadows. Grif immediately backed off upon hearing this.

"Oh, God," Doc yelped. "It's a ghost! Quick! Someone call Bill Murray!"

"Shut up, Doc," Grif ordered. Doc was able to get a grip on reality. He did exactly as told and quieted down long enough for Grif to figure out what was going on.

Grif turned back to the darkness ahead of him, only slightly more relaxed now that he knew the 'intruder' was most likely human and not some horrible demon from the pits of Hell itself. "Okay! I won't shoot. Just step out into the light so I can see you, and do it slowly. I'll probably just shoot you and hide your body in the basement of you make any sudden movements so don't try anything funny. Now, come forward and stop when I tell you to do so."

With no other clear way to approach this scenario, the mysterious person did as she was told. She cautiously moved into the light with her shaking hands held just in front of her face as if they would help block any oncoming bullets.

For the most part, this girl had rather average features. She looked about the same age as Ruby or Yang. She had brown hair and matching brown eyes along with an odd uniform, but what caught Grif off guard was the pair of tall rabbit ears on her head. At first, Grif thought they were fake. They had to be, but he could not see what was keeping them attached to her head. Naturally, he simply had to address the elephant in the room.

"Uh... what the fuck is on your head?"


End file.
